There is a parable of a king who sent two of his servants to
fetch him a drink of water. The first
servant ran out to the royal grounds to the nearest well, drew a bucket of
water, carried the bucket to the kitchen and poured off a glass of water.
Panting and sweating, he then brought the glass of water as quickly as he could
to the king, who smiled and thanked him before drinking it down. The second servant likewise ran off, but as
he was going, he began to deliberate. “I
am not the strongest servant the king has,” he reasoned, “surely he is not
expecting me to haul a heavy bucket of water for him. I am much more talented as an artist than a
transporter. I will draw the king of beautiful picture of a glass of water. This
is a much better way for me to serve the king!”
And so he did. When he brought his drawing to the king, the king was
disconcerted. “It certainly is a nice
drawing – but I asked for water to drink. I can’t drink this. It’s not what I asked for.” The king was not happy, and the servant did
not end up feeling like he had properly served the king.
This parable reflects the traditional Orthodox outlook that
G-d is to be served in the way He has requested and not in the way we feel
suits us best. Drum circles and freedom
seders are fine ideas, but they aren’t what G-d asked for. G-d has made clear what he asks of us in the
Torah: He has provided us with numerous ways to connect to Him and thereby to
build a relationship with our Creator. There
is much room for individual expression, but not infinite room: if we want a
relationship with G-d, there are avenues that will lead us there and there are
avenues that will not.
This idea helps provide the answer to a question recently
asked of me by one of the partners in a couple I was treating. In working on their relationship, we drew
from the theory of the Five Love Languages, which posits that there are five
basic “languages” in which people communicate love. (These are Words of
Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch, although
the details don’t concern us right now. You can read more about these in detail
at my professional blog.) For the most
part, every person responds best to one of these languages and feel most loved
and cared for when their partner communicates their love in such fashion. If someone’s Love Language is Physical Touch,
a nice present might be appreciated, but it won’t fill them with a feeling of
being loved the way holding hands would.
For someone whose language is Acts of Service, having their partner mow the
lawn or do the laundry can be a far more romantic gesture than the most
eloquent verbal expressions of love.
The question I was asked in session was, “why do I have
to learn her Love Language? Why
can’t I tell her I love her the way that works for me and she can get
used to the way I do it?” One could answer this question in many ways,
but I started by simply pointing to our relationship with G-d. If you want
someone (or Someone) to accept your overtures for a relationship, it has to be
done on that person’s terms and not yours.
I told this client that I surmised he may like beer a whole lot, but he
probably gave his wife flowers when he first met her and not a Heineken.
Learning to relate to someone else means learning their
language, their interests, their preferences, their inner selves. It means engaging
with them on their terms and not yours. “Therefore
shall a man leave his father and his mother” – the customs and norms he grew up
with – “and cleave to his wife.” Trying
to impose upon your spouse your own ways of doing things and expecting them to
respond as you would is obviously rather egotistical. You can’t make a person feel loved using the
methods that make you feel loved any more than you can satisfy the
king’s thirst with a drawing of a glass of water.
Having a relationship means “if it’s important to you, it’s
important to me.” Being willing to learn
what is important to your spouse and what makes them feel loved is the
necessary first step; you can’t assume that what moves you will impact your
partner in the same way. Step two is to
do it. Becoming adept at and comfortable with your spouse’s Love Language is in
fact the work of many years, not just a flash of insight. But this is, after all, the work of every
relationship, whether we call that relationship marriage or avodas Hashem:
changing ourselves to comport with the needs of our beloved. It may be a laborious task, but is a labor of
love, and it brings with it the profound satisfaction that only our deepest
relationships can offer.
