The Jewish Response to COVID-19

Much has already been said and disseminated about how the Jewish people should be responding to this global calamity. What is the message we are supposed to take from this? What rectification are we meant to enact? What does Hashem want from us?

Obviously, nobody can claim to know the answers to these questions for sure. Fortunately, any teshuva is good teshuva. If you see a message for you in this situation, you should absolutely run with it. Have you been lax in a certain area? (Answer: probably. We all could be doing better in something, right?) Can you work on improving it? If we end up better people as a result of adversity then we are on the right track.

This is of course somewhat less satisfying than having a clear sense of what the message is. This is one of the drawbacks of being without prophets. In our era, we are probably not going to be able to know with certainty what Ratzon Hashem is. I’ve seen and heard a number of attempts at explaining what we are supposed to learn from this situation.

Did we not take tefillah b’tzibur seriously enough, so now it’s been taken away?

Were we not careful enough with the kavod of others, so now we’ve been separated from them?

Was there too much sinas chinam, so now we’ve been isolated?

Did we neglect our family relationships, so now they’re the only ones we can interact with?

Did we fall prey to our taavahs, and therefore we’ve been forced to cease contact with other people?

These are all possible explanations. And the concomitant remedies are all well worth our time. Yes, we should work on our davening. Yes, we have to do better in our bein adam l’chaveiro. Yes, we should put more time and effort into our spouses and children. Yes, we should ramp up our levels of kedusha. Any teshuva is good teshuva. Don’t waste the opportunity!

I do think we have to be careful, however, about some of the peripheral interventions that have been suggested for these failings – segulos, extra tefilos, kabbalistic rituals. I am not by any means suggesting these are not authentic Jewish responses in a time like this. Bigger and wiser rabbis than me have made such suggestions, and I don't mean to disagree with them. However, it is important not to put the cart before the horse.

Saying ketores in the morning is valuable and has a solid basis in mesorah. Reciting extra Tehillim equally so. BUT: these should not be done at the expense of the fundamentals! Namely, if you are pressured for time (and who isn’t these days?), and spending an extra five minutes praying is going to add to your stress level, which will come out on the heads of your family members, it’s not worth it. I think any of the gedolim who have suggested taking on special tefilos or practices would agree with this - not at the expense of the basics of Jewish belief and behavior.

If you can add more tefilah to your day without it negatively impacting your family, go for it. But if you cannot – and that is totally reasonable in this reality – then you don’t need to try. Moreover, you cannot say ketores and tell yourself you're doing the right thing if you're at the same time being nasty at home or cutting ethical corners at work.

I am hesitant to sound like I am contradicting our spiritual leaders. But if I may humbly suggest, I think for many of us (and I include myself in this), focusing and reinforcing the basis is where the focus needs to be as we try to make it through this incredibly challenging time. (And if you have time and energy for extras, more power to you!)

• Remember to daven every day (meaning, for men three times a day and for women whatever you have been accustomed to doing). With schedules upended it’s all too easy to miss one.
• Stay away from inappropriate materials on the internet (including indecent websites and those that peddle in lashon hara).
• Shalom bayis keneged kulam. Put all your extra energy into keeping your cool, being nice to your spouse and children, and modeling for your children how you would like them to behave under stress.

This last point bears further elaboration, because I think it might actually be the most important. If you miss mincha because you are overloaded managing work and kids, there is tashlumin for that. There is no tashlumin for losing your temper because your 3-year-old spilled her yogurt.

Make sure to take some to yourself, even a few minutes a day, to let yourself cool down. If you’re walking around all day on the edge of losing your temper, you’re bound to explode at some point. Recognize that this is an exceptional time in many regards, and your life will not operate like clockwork right now. Accept the imperfectness of the situation.

If you are being nice to your family, davening regularly, and maybe even keeping some semblance of a regular learning seder, you are a hero. You don’t need to fast or say ketores to be doing Hashem’s will here. Those are fine things to take on if you can. But be realistic about what you can and what you can’t take on. Don’t say ketores then go yell at your kids for disturbing you during ketores. One moment of anger can erase all the spiritual benefits of a good psalm reading.

Focus on the cake, and add the icing only afterwards. If you can keep putting one foot in front of the other during these challenging times, if you can meet your basic halachic requirements and display good middos at the same time, then you are doing Ratzon Hashem.

Finding a Frum Therapist Online

When a person searches for “Orthodox Jewish therapist online” or “frum therapist online,” what are they looking for?

The answer to that question is the reason this site was created.  Frum communities are by nature close-knit and highly intertwined. No doubt you have had the experience of playing “Jewish geography” and finding a common link within minutes.  If there are only six degrees of separation in the world at large, in the frum community it’s probably no more than two.

So when someone needs counseling for mental health issues, shalom bayis problems, parenting help, and more, it can feel impossible to turn to someone in the community for help; it feels like airing one’s dirty laundry.  Although I don’t believe anyone needs to be ashamed of having a mental illness or of seeking help in their personal lives, I nonetheless want people to be able to get help if they won’t seek it out in a way that others might become aware.

Enter FrumCounselor.com, your local/global Orthodox Jewish therapist online.  I started this website years ago, when teletherapy was still in its infant stages, to serve frum Jews around the globe.  Initially I assumed that this service would be most sought out by folks living in smaller out-of-town communities where there may not be any frum therapists to begin with, or if there was one, inevitably it would be someone they would see daily or weekly. Worse, it might be someone they have regular interactions with elsewhere (what we in the business call “dual relationships”), such as when the help seeker is a rebbe or teacher in the one frum day school in town and the therapist is a parent at that same school, perhaps even a parent of a student in that teacher’s class.

It turns out that FrumCounselor.com has actually been quite popular even for yidden searching for a frum therapist online who live in major Jewish metropolises such as New York and New Jersey.  Some of them have come from Chassidic communities where, even in a place like New York, the borders of their own community are relatively small.  Others are simply seeking the various benefits of using a frum therapist online – such as the significant added convenience of not having to leave home, the flexible scheduling, or the higher level of confidentiality.  And then of course there is something to be said for the reputation of the counselor attracting clients!

Recently someone contacted me to try to set up a session in person, but was unsure if the distance was too far.  I offered to do therapy online, and was met with a blunt, “Really?  Does that work?”  The answer to that is a categorical “yes.” Research has found that online therapy is as effective, and in some cases more effective, than in-person therapy.  While there is certainly a different “feel” to a session conducted online vs. in person, it is just that – different – which does not necessarily mean better or worse.  As with any real choices in life, there are advantages and disadvantages.  Working with a frum therapist online is therefore a perfectly valid and appropriate choice for people in a wide variety of circumstances who may be seeking help for a range of different problems.

If you’ve been thinking of seeing an Orthodox Jewish therapist online or in person, I encourage you to reach out to me.  I’d be happy to help you achieve the results you are seeking in the context of an authentic Jewish approach, as I have with many other clients both via the internet and face to face.

Freedom for Our Children and Our Children's Children

“If the Holy One, blessed be He, had not taken our ancestors from Egypt, behold we and our children and our children's children would [all still] be enslaved to Pharaoh in Egypt.”

This text from the Haggadah begs the famous question, “Really?” That is to say, ancient Egypt is long defunct.  Had we really not been taken out by G-d at that time, probably we would have eventually gotten out of that jam when Egypt was conquered by the next up-and-coming world power. So what is the Haggadah talking about here? The famous answer is that we are not talking about physical freedom, but about spiritual freedom, which, after all, is what Judaism is all about.  Had we not been saved from Egypt, we would have completely assimilated and lost our Jewish identities, our Jewish selves, our Jewish missions. 

The impact of the environments we live in and of our surrounding cultures cannot be taken lightly.  Though we were nearly lost in Egypt, Jews have remained Jews through the worst physical persecutions.  Jewish identity in America today is more threatened than it was for centuries in Poland under oppressive regimes and crushing poverty, until the Enlightenment opened up new avenues for Jews into European society and assimilation began en masse.

Modern Western culture may share more with ancient Egypt, however, than with the Europe of recent history. The linguistic root of the word “Pharaoh” in Hebrew means “wild, let loose, shameless.” When we say we would still be slaves to Pharaoh, we indeed mean a spiritual slavery, a slavery of our soul to our baser instincts. One can be free to move about as he pleases and still be acting more out of compulsion than contemplation.  If you aren’t sure how to understand this idea, ask someone who’s addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or better yet, internet pornography – they’ll tell you what it’s like to be enslaved to the power of desire.

Our society today aggressively pushes a life of the body over the mind, let alone the soul.  Our girls are taught that their only value is in the shape of their physique, and that only one kind of shape is acceptable.  They are sexualized at younger and younger ages and are being taught how to flaunt that sexuality front and center, rather than channel it for meaningful ends.  Meanwhile, our boys continue to learn that their greatest worth comes from the conquest of women, and society continues to give them a “presidential pardon” when they engage in such conquest by force or coercion.  They are stars when they are celebrities and athletes, and are thus given a pass on all kinds of ignoble behaviors.

This is nothing you don’t already know. But have you stopped to think lately about how you too are a part of this shamelessness? How society has dragged you just a little bit further in than you’d like or care to admit?  Here’s one way I’ve discovered in which I am part of the problem rather than the solution.  Like most everyone else, when I come home to find my daughters dressed for Shabbos, or ready for a wedding, or wearing an outfit I haven’t seen before, what’s the first thing I say? “Ohhh, beautiful! You look so pretty!”  Don’t we all, upon visiting our friends and siblings, greet their daughters by commenting on how nice they look?

Granted, it is a little awkward to suggest opening up with “Ohhh, you are clearly very diligent and analytical!” First impressions inherently do not lend themselves to seeing beneath the surface.  But that doesn’t mean that focusing on the surface is a wise alternative.  If the first thing your children hear from you concerns their appearance, what are they to assume is your priority? Worse, what if you never do comment on their qualities of character or intelligence?

So I’m going to aim for a change. I’m done with being a part of enslaving my girls to the tyranny of cultural pressures.  I want my children to grow up knowing that the most valuable part of themselves is not how they look (and even less how others think they look), that freedom is more about choosing the right values and not the right shoes, and that ultimately their bodies are not what is most valuable about them, but rather merely a vessel to express that which is.

Postscript: Admittedly, alternatives to commenting on our children’s cuteness aren’t so easy to come up with.  Here are some of my ideas. Would love to hear some ideas from you in the comments!

• “It’s so nice you see you!”
• “That is a very creative hairdo!”
• “You look all ready for Shabbos!”
• “I see you’ve been a big helper by getting yourself dressed!”

I Need Your Shoes!

I am running a used shoe drive to raise funds for my new nonprofit, K'nafayim!  The shoes are refurbished and sent to the developing world, while I get a small donation for every pair collected.  Here's an article in the local Jewish Magazine The Where What When - check it out, and help me spread the word!

Also, if you are so motivated, click here to designate K'nafayim as your charity of choice on Amazon and they'll donate .05% of your Amazon purchases to me!

Shana and Avi had only been married three years, but already it seemed like they were headed for divorce. All they ever did was fight. The tension in the house was constant, and they could hardly remember why they had gotten married in the first place. As far as either could tell, the only reason they were staying together at this point was for their one-year-old daughter Malka, whom they both loved dearly. But Malka had an unusual medical issue that took a lot of time, energy, and money to address. Shana and Avi were physically, emotionally, and financially stressed.


It had been suggested to them a number of times to seek marriage counseling, but that was simply never in the cards. Their insurance had told them it wasn’t covered, because it was not a medical issue – at any rate their deductible was astronomical – and they couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket. They were getting increasingly overwhelmed, resentful, and hopeless.

Hamodia and Child Sexual Abuse

Yesterday an article was published in Hamodia magazine that could probably be fairly described as “unprecedented.”  The author writes about the importance of being watchful for the signals and red flags of child sexual abuse, based on a conversation with R’ Elya Brudny.  The article appropriately contains not only exhortations to awareness but also a Torah perspective on the problem.

I am not a regular reader of Hamodia, but I am guessing that this is the first time they have published something so strongly worded about the important of dealing with child sexual abuse in our community, let alone by a highly respected Rav.  (If I am wrong about this, please forgive me; it will not, however, affect the point of this post.) In this regard, it is a great step forward and an encouraging sign of future gains. 

However, there is something that really bothers me about the article.  It turns out that not once in the article is the subject matter actually identified.  The words “sexual” and “molestation” are entirely absent from the article, and the word “abuse” appears only once in the context of drugs.  I believe that this is a grave error: what the article is effectively saying is that we need to be aware of the problem – but we still don’t talk about it.  We want it to go away, but we won’t say exactly what it is, ostensibly out of a misplaced insistence on tznius.

Even if clarity is not compromised, even if we all know what we’re talking about – it still won’t do to avoid using candid and unambiguous language in this matter.  Because you and I might know what we’re talking about – but when we try to educate our children in the same mode, can we really be sure they’ll understand what we mean by people who “act in inappropriate, dangerous ways to children?” More damaging yet, what is the message to the poor souls who have already been victimized?  It is that we don’t want sexual abuse to happen, but if it did, we don’t really want to hear too much about it.  It’s not something we talk about.  This message yields the same silencing effect that the article purports to reject.

How can we prevent a problem whose name can’t even be mentioned?  It brings to mind a morbid version of the game Taboo (clearly appropriately named).  Try teaching kids about smoking without using the words “smoke,” “cigarette,” “tobacco,” “nicotine,” or “addiction.”  It’s a losing proposition.  We will not be able to effectively combat the problem if we are unwilling to say the words.  Is it a loss? Certainly.  I wish we lived in a time and place where children didn’t need to be educated in this way.  But we don’t, and they do.  We can’t prioritize purity of speech over the well-being of countless children.  And that is exactly what Hamodia is doing by refusing to use words that name the problem for what it is.

I am not suggesting we need to be graphic or frightening. But we need to be straight about it.  There are sexual abusers out there.  They want to molest children.  And they thrive in an environment where their crimes have no name.  It’s good to be holy.  It’s good to be modest.  But at what cost?

Hamodia is scaling mountains by publishing an article on the issue of child sexual abuse.  But they’ve got their foot on the brakes all the way up.

The Blizzard and You

New article posted on Kveller.com on the aftereffects of the wild winter storm we just went through: http://www.kveller.com/the-surprisingly-positive-impact-winter-storm-jonas-had-on-our-community/

American Orthodox Rabbis Say: Report!

I am so glad to read this report about a list of American Haredi rabbis who have publicly signed on to a statement that halacha requires reporting to the secular authorities in cases where there is a reasonable suspicion of child abuse. It seems that authoritative opinions are shifting - or at least becoming more vocal - such that the idea of "handling it internally" is increasingly being recognized as a futile and improper approach.

If you are aware of a potential situation of child sexual abuse, please, don't keep it quiet.  Consult with your rabbi, consult with professionals (including myself), by all means - but report it to the officials as well.  For our children's sake.

How to Get Porn Out of Our Yeshivas

An article I wrote posted on the Daas Torah blog: How to Get Porn Out of Our Yeshivas

The problem hardly needs elaboration anymore. Fewer and fewer people continue to deny that pornography viewing and addiction are extant if not commonplace in even the most traditional and the most insular communities. The reach of the internet knows almost no boundaries . . .

Chillul Hashem & Secular Court

Guest post I wrote on the Daas Torah blog: http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2015/01/ksav-sofer-why-egyptians-were.html

Supporting Others

I thought this article about supporting the people in your life was excellently presented.

http://www.aish.com/sp/so/99754929.html

Ten Tips for Raising Sexually Healthy Orthodox Daughters

And here's another article sent to me by a friend that address the women's side of sex ed in the Orthodox community.  Also well stated.

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/10-tips-to-raising-sexually-healthy-orthodox-daughters/

Masturbation

I thought this article was excellent. It discusses the issue of talking about masturbation with Orthodox boys, which I think is tragically shied away from for obvious reasons, leaving our youth to struggle with it in silence.  As you are probably aware by now, I am not a fan of the head-in-the-sand approach.

http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/194864/why-rabbis-must-talk-to-orthodox-boys-about-mastur/

Mental Illness in the Jewish Community

This article came out recently in the New Jersey Jewish Standard, and I think it is absolutely right on the money.  It's called, unabashedly, "I Have Bipolar Disorder." Take a look.
http://jstandard.com/content/item/i_have_bipolar_disorder

Why Do Orthodox Communities Still Cover Up Sexual Abuse?

I recently came across this article about Deborah Feldman, the formerly Orthodox woman who wrote a famously unflattering book about her departure from her community.  I know it's old news, but there is a part in here that really supports the point I made in an earlier post, namely that Jewish identity in insular communities is often built on sand.  Here the author (who I am neither condemning nor condoning) remarks on the phenomenon of “irrational anger” that I highlighted in situations of abuse:

I didn't think the book would get this much publicity, but I knew that I would get a lot of hate mail. When people do lash out at me, the funny thing that comes to mind is that five or six years ago, if someone had done what I'm doing now, I would have lashed out too. I would have felt such irrational anger if someone was out there making my life look that sad and pathetic, and making me feel that manipulated and powerless, I would be furious! And I'd do everything I could to justify my own life and why I was staying in it.

A similar idea was expressed by Judy Brown, author of Hush, who also left the Chassidic community, in a recent interview on NBC which is regrettably no longer available on YouTube.  In explaining the reaction and the dilemma of the frum community, she says, "If our way of life doesn't prevent our men from turning into beasts, then what's the point of our way of life?" I submit that it is this very kind of thinking that forces the less intellectually honest to annihilate victims rather than own up.

 

The Consequences of Rabbinic Leadership Failing to Deal Properly with Abuse

A thought-provoking post by Rabbi Daniel Eidensohn on his blog concerning reporting of abuse in the Jewish community:

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/06/missing-boat-consequences-of-rabbinic.html

Connecting Is Respecting - to be continued...

This week, in collaboration with my colleagues at Project S.A.R.A.H., we completed the first portion of the pilot run the sexual abuse prevention program I created for Jewish middle schools, called Connecting Is Respecting.  It was quite successful by all accounts, and we learned a lot from this initial presentation which will help us make some important improvements in the program and in the evaluation process.  So far we have presented to the 5th grade boys; plans to continue with the girls' section, followed by 6th and 7th grades, are underway.  Stay tuned!

Miscommunication en Masse

The gun control debate that is coming back out of hibernation as a result of last week’s tragedy is an interesting case in point from the perspective of a couples therapist. So much of the trouble I encounter in the therapy room is due to partners addressing the issue on their own mind instead of the issue on the other’s mind.  John is angry about Marsha’s spending habits; Marsha feels unloved; and neither one is speaking to the problem that the other sees.

So too in the argument over gun control.  The loudest piece of the debate goes like this: proponents cry for safety and protection for our youth.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  Proponents insist something needs to be done before more children are killed.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  It is but two ships passing in the night.  People who are desperate to save children’s lives don’t much care for the supposed freedom to carry big, scary assault weapons.  People who cling to the right to bear arms don’t seem to have much to say about children’s safety.  And so the debate hobbles on, neither side addressing the concerns of the other.

Of course, there are those who oppose gun control because they believe some of the laws being pushed will actually lead to more violence.  There are those who support some gun laws without suggesting that trying to outlaw guns in general is a good idea.  But those voices, unfortunately, are the quiet ones.  Instead of meaningful dialogue between sincere people who want to make the world a better place, we have large-scale shouting matches between extremists on both sides.

If John could speak to Marsha’s fears and Marsha could address John’s financial concerns, they would likely see a lot of progress.  That’s often an important part of the work I do with couples.  Now if only I could get the pro- and anti-gun control groups in a room together…

 

What Sandy Took and What She Brought

By Raffi Bilek| Nov 1st, 2012
Originally Posted at OU.org

********************************************************************************

If you’re reading this, you probably have power back by now. Or maybe you’re reading this at work. Or maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who never lost power in the superstorm-formerly-known-as-hurricane-Sandy.

And if you’re reading this, you have probably also seen the never-thought-I’d-see-THAT-outside-of-a-Hollywood-blockbuster images that have been flooding the Internet: parts of New York City neck-deep in water; subway tunnels turned into log-flume tracks; 12-foot walls of water smashing into urban hubs. And how about the financial nexus of the world shut down for two straight days (which they tell us hasn’t happened since the ol’ blizzard of 1888)? The presidential campaign derailed days before the election? Pretty incredible.

Escalator under water at South Ferry station        Photo Credit: MTA

If you have not been scrambling for hot water and a place to charge your iPhone, you may have had time to reflect on all of this.

To me, it is not just a reminder of how big G-d is, but of how small man is as well. Even the most powerful among us was not able to save NYC from shutdown. No amount of money was able to bring water to the burning houses in Queens. No amount of preparation could keep the airports open. Even folks who are not religious would have to look into the face of nature and admit powerlessness, if only for a time.

We go about our business every day, hardly realizing how much we depend on matters completely outside our control. When the power went out, most people just had to deal. Here in Passaic, Main Street has been completely disabled, including the kosher grocery store; many ran low on basic food supplies, until other supermarkets nearby opened up and got running again. What if they hadn’t? What if this had been an actual hurricane, a category 2 or 3 or 4? We could actually be without food.

For people who are well-off, the thought is hard to imagine. A personal famine in the age of plenty? But if the roads are blocked, if gasoline is inaccessible, if the power in the stores is out – it is a real possibility.

It wouldn’t take much to make such a scenario a reality: a drought; a serious oil embargo; a contagious epidemic – any of these could cripple a city, state, or nation far worse than what has already happened to us this week.  We tend to forget nowadays that we still live in a world that runs on environmental processes. We are so detached from the natural world these days that we hardly realize that we still need rain to grow our food!  There isn’t yet a laboratory on the planet that can synthesize wheat, or soybeans, or water (and odds are you wouldn’t survive for long on jellybeans and Laffy Taffy).

Our human frailty is brought to the fore in a disaster like this. Which is why it’s also such a great time for community building. We really need each other as people. We forget this too nowadays. We forget that in the long history of mankind, almost no society expected parents to raise children without an entire network of help. We forget that carving out time for friends and neighbors is not a luxury but a necessity to make it through life’s challenges (and that our ancestors, from the Biblical through the rabbinic times, all knew this well).

On the Day After Sandy I watched my neighbors across the street take turns sawing at branches and working on contriving a way to get an extension cord safely from one powerless house across the street to a powered one. We all appreciate the togetherness that comes out of these times; do we remember how much we need it?

The human condition is fragile and uncertain. It seems unlikely that we will ever be able to beat nature – to control the weather, to produce nourishment from inorganic materials, to create life from scratch in the lab. We will just have to live with the constant possibility of powerlessness.

But to recognize that and to cast our lots in with those around us – to recall even in times of prosperity and apparent control that we can’t go it alone – that is a message which ennobles us above all the creatures and forces of which nature is made. For nature is blind, and one beast cannot help another unless it is so commanded by its genetic makeup; but we can offer each other a cup of hot coffee when the power is out, a shelter from the storm, or simply a hug in a time of tragedy.  And that is what makes us truly human in the face of a hurricane.