Hamodia and Child Sexual Abuse

Yesterday an article was published in Hamodia magazine that could probably be fairly described as “unprecedented.”  The author writes about the importance of being watchful for the signals and red flags of child sexual abuse, based on a conversation with R’ Elya Brudny.  The article appropriately contains not only exhortations to awareness but also a Torah perspective on the problem.

I am not a regular reader of Hamodia, but I am guessing that this is the first time they have published something so strongly worded about the important of dealing with child sexual abuse in our community, let alone by a highly respected Rav.  (If I am wrong about this, please forgive me; it will not, however, affect the point of this post.) In this regard, it is a great step forward and an encouraging sign of future gains. 

However, there is something that really bothers me about the article.  It turns out that not once in the article is the subject matter actually identified.  The words “sexual” and “molestation” are entirely absent from the article, and the word “abuse” appears only once in the context of drugs.  I believe that this is a grave error: what the article is effectively saying is that we need to be aware of the problem – but we still don’t talk about it.  We want it to go away, but we won’t say exactly what it is, ostensibly out of a misplaced insistence on tznius.

Even if clarity is not compromised, even if we all know what we’re talking about – it still won’t do to avoid using candid and unambiguous language in this matter.  Because you and I might know what we’re talking about – but when we try to educate our children in the same mode, can we really be sure they’ll understand what we mean by people who “act in inappropriate, dangerous ways to children?” More damaging yet, what is the message to the poor souls who have already been victimized?  It is that we don’t want sexual abuse to happen, but if it did, we don’t really want to hear too much about it.  It’s not something we talk about.  This message yields the same silencing effect that the article purports to reject.

How can we prevent a problem whose name can’t even be mentioned?  It brings to mind a morbid version of the game Taboo (clearly appropriately named).  Try teaching kids about smoking without using the words “smoke,” “cigarette,” “tobacco,” “nicotine,” or “addiction.”  It’s a losing proposition.  We will not be able to effectively combat the problem if we are unwilling to say the words.  Is it a loss? Certainly.  I wish we lived in a time and place where children didn’t need to be educated in this way.  But we don’t, and they do.  We can’t prioritize purity of speech over the well-being of countless children.  And that is exactly what Hamodia is doing by refusing to use words that name the problem for what it is.

I am not suggesting we need to be graphic or frightening. But we need to be straight about it.  There are sexual abusers out there.  They want to molest children.  And they thrive in an environment where their crimes have no name.  It’s good to be holy.  It’s good to be modest.  But at what cost?

Hamodia is scaling mountains by publishing an article on the issue of child sexual abuse.  But they’ve got their foot on the brakes all the way up.

To Protect Our Children - Get Rid of Sex Offender Registries

You might think that as an advocate of child safety and an educator on the topic of child sexual abuse, I might be gung-ho about doing everything possible to keep sex offenders away from children.  The reality is that it's not so simple.  Check out this new article I wrote for Kveller that gives a different perspective on this question.  This is only the tip of the iceberg, but you can get an idea from these points that registries may in fact not be the best approach to keeping our

kids safe.

Safety Kid & Connect with Respect

Last night Debbie Fox delivered a presentation here in Baltimore for parents on the topic of child

sexual abuse.  Mrs. Fox has been leading the charge on this important issue for many years, and her Safety Kid program is currently being used in communities all over the US and Canada.  I myself ran this program in various schools in New Jersey while I was the outreach coordinator for Project S.A.R.A.H., so I am intimately familiar with it, and I am very glad that my kids will now be exposed to it as well.

Many times when I had finished presenting the program in a school, they would come back to me with a boatload of positive feedback, and then they would ask, "so what do you have for middle school?"  The answer at the time was, "nothing," and it remained so for a good while, until one rather assertive guidance counselor said, "Well, we're going to be doing something for our middle school.  I hope you're it."  And with that motivation, I set to work creating something we could offer to Jewish middle schools.

Some years and many revisions later, Connect with Respect is ready to roll!  You can see a brief overview of the program here.  (Note that originally Safety Kid was running only up until 4th grade, so mine picked up with 5th grade; now I understand they are doing Safety Kid in 5th grade as well, so I will likely be running Connect with Respect in 6th, 7th and 8th grades instead of 5th, 6th, and 7th.) Currently I am in contact with several communities (including, of course, Baltimore) who have expressed interest in the program.  If you'd like to know more about it or would like to bring it to your town, please contact me!

Amudim

Apparently there's a new Jewish organization on the child sexual abuse prevention scene, Amudim.  I don't know much about them, but I just saw this video they produced, which is extremely disturbing and emotionally jarring.  It warns that the video is graphic, which is not entirely accurate - but it is definitely triggering for anyone who might have trauma in their past, so please consider whether you want to watch this or not.

Sexual Abuser Exposed

Earlier this week I found out that a therapist I used to work with at a community mental health agency was busted for being sexually involved with (and filming) a 16-year-old boy he was treating.  As if that’s not bad enough on its own, this therapist used to do classroom presentations as part of the sexual abuse prevention program I ran in Jewish schools in New Jersey.  It boggles the mind to think about someone walking into a classroom to teach kids how to avoid being abused, then walking into his office that night and abused a kid.  Wow.

Initially I was thinking that this could be a big blow to the agency’s credibility in offering sexual abuse prevention services – if they can’t even prevent it in their own daled amos… (note: I don’t know whether any abuse actually took place in the agency or with the agency’s clients as opposed to possibly his private clients elsewhere).  But then I realized, it can actually be used to their advantage, to wit: there really is no way to spot an abuser a priori – they come in all shapes and sizes, genders, family situations, classes, etc.  (Yes, many abusers are well-educated and are married with kids – as this man is.)  And sexual abuse education does not suggest otherwise.  Rather, it focuses on teaching adults how to spot the behaviors that are suspect (primarily the grooming process, in which an abuser gradually earns trust, provides extra attention to the victim, and introduces sexual content to their interactions), and teaching kids about body ownership (the classic “my body belongs to me”), inappropriate behaviors on the part of adults, and the importance of telling someone should they r”l find themselves in that situation.

Indeed, if I may plug myself, this is why I created a sexual abuse prevention program for Jewish middle schools – after several years of running one for Jewish elementary schools, it was clear that there is need for further education through the early teen years (and even beyond – but one step at a time). So, if you are interested in bringing my program – called Connect with Respect – to a middle school near you, please be in touch. I would love to get this out there and in use so that, B”H, we should see fewer and fewer kids falling prey to abusers.

Check out the video prospectus for Connect with Respect here.

American Orthodox Rabbis Say: Report!

I am so glad to read this report about a list of American Haredi rabbis who have publicly signed on to a statement that halacha requires reporting to the secular authorities in cases where there is a reasonable suspicion of child abuse. It seems that authoritative opinions are shifting - or at least becoming more vocal - such that the idea of "handling it internally" is increasingly being recognized as a futile and improper approach.

If you are aware of a potential situation of child sexual abuse, please, don't keep it quiet.  Consult with your rabbi, consult with professionals (including myself), by all means - but report it to the officials as well.  For our children's sake.

The Mama Bear Effect – Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Coloring Pages

A friend of mine passed these on to me - what a great resource for teaching kids how to stay safe from child sexual abuse!  Check them out at http://themamabeareffect.org/coloring-pages.html.

Chillul Hashem & Secular Court

Guest post I wrote on the Daas Torah blog: http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2015/01/ksav-sofer-why-egyptians-were.html

Does Sexting Count as Cheating?

Many people aren’t sure how to answer this question.  When a married man is sending inappropriate text messages to another woman (or vice versa), does that “count” as an affair?

The answer is really a subjective one.  When a man cheats on his wife, or a woman on her husband, the problem is not so much the act that took place as it is the breach of trust – one of the parties broke the implicit promise made when they established a committed relationship.  Most people understand that a person can be cheating even if there was no sex involved.  If a married man takes a woman out on a romantic date, buys her dinner, and kisses her goodnight, is that cheating?  I think most people would say yes.

But since the core of the issue is the breaking of the agreement (spoken or unspoken) between husband and wife, the question of infidelity depends on what the couple understood that agreement to be.  (Note: this is a good reminder of how important it is to communicate so that both people have the same understanding of what it is they’ve agreed upon!)  Some couples have an open marriage in which outside partners are allowed – hard to call that cheating since both partners have openly okayed it.  On the other hand, I once worked with a client who had an agreement with her boyfriend that they could be involved with others outside the relationship, but only with people of the same gender – i.e., she could date women, but not other men.  Had she gotten into a relationship with another man, that then would have been considered cheating

So what about sexting?  The answer depends on whether the sexter’s significant other considers it a violation of the relationship to exchange sexual messages or dirty pictures to someone else.  I think most people would see it as such, and in the absence of an explicit agreement otherwise, I think the sensible conclusion is that it is indeed an act of infidelity.  Would you be comfortable with your partner doing such things without your knowledge?  Probably not.

When someone suggests that sexting is not the same as adultery because there was no physical contact, or they were not actually with the person, or some other explanation, they are trying to rationalize the problematic behavior.  Cheating hurts because it sends a message to the partner that the cheater can’t be trusted; that the partner is somehow not good enough; that the other man/woman is better/more attractive/more exciting than the partner; and many more hurtful messages as well.  These messages come across loud and clear whether the adulterous act happens in a motel room or on a smartphone.

Digital Decisions

More on the topic of teenagers and technology - here's a nifty video created by thatsnotcool.com, which is a great resource for getting teens to think about their digital behavior.

Moving On

I thought this song, written by a young man based on his own experience, was a meaningful contribution to the discussion on child sexual abuse.

Real Teshuva

I saw this just before Yom Kippur. It blew me away. I hope it becomes a trend.

Why Do Orthodox Communities Still Cover Up Sexual Abuse?

I recently came across this article about Deborah Feldman, the formerly Orthodox woman who wrote a famously unflattering book about her departure from her community.  I know it's old news, but there is a part in here that really supports the point I made in an earlier post, namely that Jewish identity in insular communities is often built on sand.  Here the author (who I am neither condemning nor condoning) remarks on the phenomenon of “irrational anger” that I highlighted in situations of abuse:

I didn't think the book would get this much publicity, but I knew that I would get a lot of hate mail. When people do lash out at me, the funny thing that comes to mind is that five or six years ago, if someone had done what I'm doing now, I would have lashed out too. I would have felt such irrational anger if someone was out there making my life look that sad and pathetic, and making me feel that manipulated and powerless, I would be furious! And I'd do everything I could to justify my own life and why I was staying in it.

A similar idea was expressed by Judy Brown, author of Hush, who also left the Chassidic community, in a recent interview on NBC which is regrettably no longer available on YouTube.  In explaining the reaction and the dilemma of the frum community, she says, "If our way of life doesn't prevent our men from turning into beasts, then what's the point of our way of life?" I submit that it is this very kind of thinking that forces the less intellectually honest to annihilate victims rather than own up.

 

Friendly Message to Camp Summer Staff

A hard-hitting but vital message.

 

The Consequences of Rabbinic Leadership Failing to Deal Properly with Abuse

A thought-provoking post by Rabbi Daniel Eidensohn on his blog concerning reporting of abuse in the Jewish community:

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/06/missing-boat-consequences-of-rabbinic.html

Protecting Our Children from Sexual Abuse

 

Another article of mine published in the Jewish Press - available online here.  This one is about the highly important topic of how to teach our children to keep safe from sexual abuse.  Get some of the basics in this article, and of course, contact me for further information or to schedule a training for groups of parents, camp counselors, educators, etc.

Connecting Is Respecting - to be continued...

This week, in collaboration with my colleagues at Project S.A.R.A.H., we completed the first portion of the pilot run the sexual abuse prevention program I created for Jewish middle schools, called Connecting Is Respecting.  It was quite successful by all accounts, and we learned a lot from this initial presentation which will help us make some important improvements in the program and in the evaluation process.  So far we have presented to the 5th grade boys; plans to continue with the girls' section, followed by 6th and 7th grades, are underway.  Stay tuned!

Miss America By Day

I recently finished reading Miss America by Day, by Marilyn Van Derbur.  This is by far the best book I have read as far as understanding what a victim of sexual abuse actually goes through, what the trauma is like.  There is also lots of useful information, tips, advice, and other great material, but the best aspect of the book is the way she makes the trauma real to all of us.  I recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the issue of child sexual abuse better.

Sad, Sad World

This may be old news for those of you more on top of current events, but I just found out about the suicide of 15-year-old Amanda Todd in Vancouver, Canada. She killed herself after suffering sexual abuse at the hands of an anonymous internet user and then being bullied, harassed, and generally mistreated by her peers.  The tragedy of the story is too big to be contained.

Amanda posted a video on YouTube shortly before she died.  You can see it here.  (Some may want to avoid viewing this - while it is not explicit, it is not so tzniusdik either.)  It is terribly sad, but perhaps it is a good reminder to all of us that we have a lot of work to do in this world - and if you think this kind of thing doesn't happen in the frum world, think again. It is also a good reminder to parents that children and teens need guidance and monitoring around their internet use, and especially around use of social media.

I am working on creating a program for middle schools so that we can avoid exactly this kind of tragedy in the future.  It is just too, too sad.

Eliminate the Statute of Limitations for Child Sexual Abuse

I just signed a petition to The New Jersey State House, The New Jersey State Senate, and Governor Chris Christie: We, your NJ constituents urge you to fix NJ law by eliminating the statute of limitations for child sexual abuse and expand the categories of those who could be held responsible when they put our children in harms way. Pass bills S1651 and A2405 unchanged, in the Senate and Assembly. And we call on you, Governor Christie to please sign it into law. Lawmakers have a choice... vote to protect our children not the sexual predators and the institutions that have harbored them.