Change

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/12/16/oliver-burkeman-on-failed-new-year-s-resolutions.html

I liked this article. It highlights the fact that change does not result from a simple decision to change, but rather requires a more protracted schedule of working on it.

Sharing the Experience

Do you like cookies?  Here's a video for you.

Relationship Tips Video Series

Dear Readers,

 

I am pleased to announce the launch of my new YouTube channel, on which I will be posting a video series of my favorite relationship tips.  These are going to be ideas, approaches, and practical tools that you can use to improve your marriage, and really just about any other interpersonal relationship as well.  I hope you’ll find them helpful, and I encourage you to post comments or questions on what I’ll be saying.  Also, feel free to post questions you’d like to see addressed in future videos.

 

Here’s #1 in the series.  Bracha v’hatzlacha!

 

Rabbi Raffi Bilek

 

 

 

 

How Depression Sees It

Just ran across this article called "How Depression Sees It: The Woman Who Gave Birth in a Tree" which offers an authentic description of what it's like to have depression.  Those of us who do not suffer from this illness have a hard time understanding what it's like, which is why articles like this are useful to sensitize us to the anguish of those who do, to help us get it.

Another good resource for this is the acclaimed book Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness, by William Styron, in which he takes us through his own experience of severe clinical depression.  Both of these make for fascinating reading, and will broaden your mind to gain some insight into what the suffering is really like for people with depression.

Miscommunication en Masse

The gun control debate that is coming back out of hibernation as a result of last week’s tragedy is an interesting case in point from the perspective of a couples therapist. So much of the trouble I encounter in the therapy room is due to partners addressing the issue on their own mind instead of the issue on the other’s mind.  John is angry about Marsha’s spending habits; Marsha feels unloved; and neither one is speaking to the problem that the other sees.

So too in the argument over gun control.  The loudest piece of the debate goes like this: proponents cry for safety and protection for our youth.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  Proponents insist something needs to be done before more children are killed.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  It is but two ships passing in the night.  People who are desperate to save children’s lives don’t much care for the supposed freedom to carry big, scary assault weapons.  People who cling to the right to bear arms don’t seem to have much to say about children’s safety.  And so the debate hobbles on, neither side addressing the concerns of the other.

Of course, there are those who oppose gun control because they believe some of the laws being pushed will actually lead to more violence.  There are those who support some gun laws without suggesting that trying to outlaw guns in general is a good idea.  But those voices, unfortunately, are the quiet ones.  Instead of meaningful dialogue between sincere people who want to make the world a better place, we have large-scale shouting matches between extremists on both sides.

If John could speak to Marsha’s fears and Marsha could address John’s financial concerns, they would likely see a lot of progress.  That’s often an important part of the work I do with couples.  Now if only I could get the pro- and anti-gun control groups in a room together…

 

Men Can’t Find Anything in the Refrigerator

It’s true.

Well, at least for a lot of men.  It’s just a generalization, I know.  But I’m going to use it anyway to make a point.  The point is this: it is wise for a person to anticipate certain irritating habits in his or her spouse.  If you are a woman, you may find it maddening that your husband can’t find the ketchup when it’s right in front of him.  You may even have suspected him of doing it on purpose sometimes.  The fact of the matter is that this really is a common issue with men. It behooves you to expect it, so that it won’t bug you as much when it happens, and to recognize that you’re not the only one who has to deal with it.  Ask some of your girlfriends and see.  This mindset will go a long way towards making his handicap less irritating.

 

For men, I might suggest the same approach as regards timeliness – many women are less punctual than their husbands (and yes, I know, it’s certainly not all of them).  It is helpful for men to anticipate this and see it as part of the wifely package.

 

This is not to say that these matters can’t be worked on and improved (my ketchup-locating skills have definitely developed since I got married); just that they ought to be expected for one’s peace of mind and peace of house.

 

 

Miss America By Day

I recently finished reading Miss America by Day, by Marilyn Van Derbur.  This is by far the best book I have read as far as understanding what a victim of sexual abuse actually goes through, what the trauma is like.  There is also lots of useful information, tips, advice, and other great material, but the best aspect of the book is the way she makes the trauma real to all of us.  I recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the issue of child sexual abuse better.

Parenting & Expectations

An article I just wrote for the Jewish Press (in the quarterly mental health insert) is available online here.  It discusses how our expectations affect our parenting and how we can help ourselves out of the box that such expectations can create.

Rabbi Noach Orlowek, shlit”a, defines anger as “the distance between expectation and reality.” I think this definition neatly explains much of the parental anger that we moms and dads struggle with as we try to raise superstar children. So much of our anger is the result of our having expectations of our children that are not met. This does not mean that we shouldn’t have expectations of them – only that we should be careful to temper those expectations with a clear picture of reality . . .

Online Counseling with Humans

“With online counseling, your clients do not have the ability to learn about you from the frames on your walls, your office décor, your car in the parking lot, the pictures of your family on your desk, etc. Therefore, it is all the more important to humanize yourself by telling the client some information about who you are and what you are about.”

 

This is from an article from Thriveworks on building rapport (connection with a client) in online counseling venues.  On the whole I thought the article was so-so, but it did have some points like the above that made me think.  This goes back to a post I wrote a while ago about using the phone vs. Skype, and how there are innumerable nonverbal messages that a client communicates that the therapist cannot afford to miss.  I guess that’s true the other way around as well, as pointed out in this quote – in person, you would learn a lot more about me than you can via Skype (such as, for example, what shoes I’m wearing, or whether I’m even wearing shoes!).

To this end, I encourage you to read what I wrote in the About Me section, and feel free to ask if you have any further questions about who I am or what I do.  That's not to say that I will start telling you the story of my life, but if you have a question, don’t hesitate to ask!

 

 

 

 

Couples Counseling

An interesting point I have recently been reminded of emphatically while working with couples: the points of dispute brought into the room are almost never where the juicy stuff lies.  (With the couple I am thinking of right now, those points of dispute were particularly angry ones, too!) The truth is that it’s really all about the dynamic in the room.  Whatever problems they’ve been having thus far are still ongoing, or they wouldn’t be in therapy.  So I can watch those problems play out without having to refer to old incidents to make the point.

What’s more, throwing past incidents at each other – known in the business as “kitchen sinking” – rarely does more good than harm.  It just invites more hurt, defensiveness, and aggression.  (This is something useful for all of us to keep in mind when we get into arguments with our spouse – or with anyone – launching repeated accusations over past events will only hinder the process rather than helping it.

Bashert?

The concept of bashert has done many people a lot of harm in their quest for a long-term relationship. I thought this posting brought some solid sources from modern times that indicate that this concept is not to be relied on practically to find love.  Trying to find The One Who Is Meant for You is a much more difficult endeavor than trying to find Someone with Whom You Can Build a Meaningful, Holy Life.  More on this in a future post.

Who Won the Election?

This past Tuesday the standard greeting in the Northeast switched from, “Do you have power?” to, “Did you vote yet?”  There was an expectation among most community members that people would be voting, whether or not our lights were back on . . .

See the full article at OU.org.

Destigmatizing Therapy (continued)

A friend of mine in Houston, Texas contacted me in relation to the article I published on destigmatizing therapy.  She is working with a frum family whose daughter is suffering some kind of attention disorder.  In order to proceed with therapy, she had to contact the girl's high school, but the family was reluctant to allow her to do so, since they did not want the school to learn about their child’s disorder and treatment.  It is not clear whether they were doing so out of embarrassment and shame over their daughter's condition, or out of fear of potential consequences from the school administration, which itself may have prejudices and biases regarding mental illness.

 

This seems to echo the dilemma I brought up in the article, namely, on one hand a therapist is bound to protect client confidentiality; on the other hand, the therapist does not want to reinforce the idea that there is anything to be ashamed about.

 

Not an easy problem to solve.

 

What Sandy Took and What She Brought

By Raffi Bilek| Nov 1st, 2012
Originally Posted at OU.org

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If you’re reading this, you probably have power back by now. Or maybe you’re reading this at work. Or maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who never lost power in the superstorm-formerly-known-as-hurricane-Sandy.

And if you’re reading this, you have probably also seen the never-thought-I’d-see-THAT-outside-of-a-Hollywood-blockbuster images that have been flooding the Internet: parts of New York City neck-deep in water; subway tunnels turned into log-flume tracks; 12-foot walls of water smashing into urban hubs. And how about the financial nexus of the world shut down for two straight days (which they tell us hasn’t happened since the ol’ blizzard of 1888)? The presidential campaign derailed days before the election? Pretty incredible.

Escalator under water at South Ferry station        Photo Credit: MTA

If you have not been scrambling for hot water and a place to charge your iPhone, you may have had time to reflect on all of this.

To me, it is not just a reminder of how big G-d is, but of how small man is as well. Even the most powerful among us was not able to save NYC from shutdown. No amount of money was able to bring water to the burning houses in Queens. No amount of preparation could keep the airports open. Even folks who are not religious would have to look into the face of nature and admit powerlessness, if only for a time.

We go about our business every day, hardly realizing how much we depend on matters completely outside our control. When the power went out, most people just had to deal. Here in Passaic, Main Street has been completely disabled, including the kosher grocery store; many ran low on basic food supplies, until other supermarkets nearby opened up and got running again. What if they hadn’t? What if this had been an actual hurricane, a category 2 or 3 or 4? We could actually be without food.

For people who are well-off, the thought is hard to imagine. A personal famine in the age of plenty? But if the roads are blocked, if gasoline is inaccessible, if the power in the stores is out – it is a real possibility.

It wouldn’t take much to make such a scenario a reality: a drought; a serious oil embargo; a contagious epidemic – any of these could cripple a city, state, or nation far worse than what has already happened to us this week.  We tend to forget nowadays that we still live in a world that runs on environmental processes. We are so detached from the natural world these days that we hardly realize that we still need rain to grow our food!  There isn’t yet a laboratory on the planet that can synthesize wheat, or soybeans, or water (and odds are you wouldn’t survive for long on jellybeans and Laffy Taffy).

Our human frailty is brought to the fore in a disaster like this. Which is why it’s also such a great time for community building. We really need each other as people. We forget this too nowadays. We forget that in the long history of mankind, almost no society expected parents to raise children without an entire network of help. We forget that carving out time for friends and neighbors is not a luxury but a necessity to make it through life’s challenges (and that our ancestors, from the Biblical through the rabbinic times, all knew this well).

On the Day After Sandy I watched my neighbors across the street take turns sawing at branches and working on contriving a way to get an extension cord safely from one powerless house across the street to a powered one. We all appreciate the togetherness that comes out of these times; do we remember how much we need it?

The human condition is fragile and uncertain. It seems unlikely that we will ever be able to beat nature – to control the weather, to produce nourishment from inorganic materials, to create life from scratch in the lab. We will just have to live with the constant possibility of powerlessness.

But to recognize that and to cast our lots in with those around us – to recall even in times of prosperity and apparent control that we can’t go it alone – that is a message which ennobles us above all the creatures and forces of which nature is made. For nature is blind, and one beast cannot help another unless it is so commanded by its genetic makeup; but we can offer each other a cup of hot coffee when the power is out, a shelter from the storm, or simply a hug in a time of tragedy.  And that is what makes us truly human in the face of a hurricane.

The Absolute Best Way to Get Your Kids to Do Almost Anything

Another article of mine posted on the OU Life section, this one about parenting: http://www.ou.org/life/parenting/absolute-best-way-get-your-kids-listen-raffi-bilek

Sad, Sad World

This may be old news for those of you more on top of current events, but I just found out about the suicide of 15-year-old Amanda Todd in Vancouver, Canada. She killed herself after suffering sexual abuse at the hands of an anonymous internet user and then being bullied, harassed, and generally mistreated by her peers.  The tragedy of the story is too big to be contained.

Amanda posted a video on YouTube shortly before she died.  You can see it here.  (Some may want to avoid viewing this - while it is not explicit, it is not so tzniusdik either.)  It is terribly sad, but perhaps it is a good reminder to all of us that we have a lot of work to do in this world - and if you think this kind of thing doesn't happen in the frum world, think again. It is also a good reminder to parents that children and teens need guidance and monitoring around their internet use, and especially around use of social media.

I am working on creating a program for middle schools so that we can avoid exactly this kind of tragedy in the future.  It is just too, too sad.

Post-presentation report

Yesterday’s presentation at ORA went swimmingly.  We all gained some valuable information, myself included.

While I was preparing for yesterday’s presentation to ORA earlier this week, I came across this very interesting article about gett refusal in Israel. It’s in Hebrew, and though you can use Google to translate it, I will share with you what I found to be the most interesting points:

1. Despite claims that there are thousands of agunot in Israel, the actual number (this is from a 2006 report) is 180.
2. Even more interesting is that the number of agunim in Israel is 190. 

I brought this up at the presentation and it was suggested to me that the situation in Israel is different because the entire divorce process is bound up with the gett, such that if a woman doesn’t like the terms of the divorce that have been presented and doesn’t want to accept them, the husband is considered “chained.” I.e., it may not be a case of “gett refusal” as much as a case of willingness to divorce but wanting better terms.  ORA told me that out of the hundreds of cases they have dealt with, only a handful have been men.  Similarly, another organization that works with agunot also told me that in 30 years of working with gett issues, they have only been contacted once by a man whose wife refused to accept the gett.

 

Unrelatedly, another interesting point that came up during the discussion yesterday was the infamous Rambam apparently condoning wife-beating.  I referred to questioner to this essay, which I think is a brilliant elucidation of that puzzling statement.

I am presenting in Manhattan tomorrow for ORA, the Organization for the Resolution of Agunot, on domestic violence in the Jewish community.  Obviously the problem of husbands refusing to gives their wives a divorce is intertwined with this issue.  Should be an interesting discussion!

Therapy Needs Some Therapy

An article of mine was published this week on the OU Life website (unrelated to the fact that I coincidentally posted another article on that site a few days ago). Check it out here.  (Note: they chose the title and the accompanying photo, not me!)

Marital Satisfaction Survey

Excellent article from a promising new journal: http://www.ou.org/life/relationships/marital-satisfaction-survey-where-do-we-go-from-here-steven-weil/