1 is 2 Many

Just discovered this new initiative from the White House (!) against domestic violence. There's a nice public service announcement on the front page:

Eliminate the Statute of Limitations for Child Sexual Abuse

I just signed a petition to The New Jersey State House, The New Jersey State Senate, and Governor Chris Christie: We, your NJ constituents urge you to fix NJ law by eliminating the statute of limitations for child sexual abuse and expand the categories of those who could be held responsible when they put our children in harms way. Pass bills S1651 and A2405 unchanged, in the Senate and Assembly. And we call on you, Governor Christie to please sign it into law. Lawmakers have a choice... vote to protect our children not the sexual predators and the institutions that have harbored them.

Why Do Orthodox Communities Cover Up Sexual Abuse?

I just saw an interesting and painful post on one of the few blogs I regularly keep up with, citing one of the many blogs that I don’t, which posted a letter by Pearl Engelman.  Pearl is a fascinating person (whom I have never met), in that she is a member of the notoriously insular Satmar community who campaigns very publicly against sexual abuse and the cover-ups that happen in the frum community.  (Pearl’s son was molested by a rebbe as a child and subsequently left the frum community as a result not only of the molestation but of the treatment he received at the hands of the community as well.)

 

The post bemoans the way the case of Nechemia Weberman in Brooklyn is being handled.  Weberman is the latest in a line of frum paraprofessionals to be accused of molesting the youths they counsel.  In Weberman’s case, immediately after the accusation came out, the community pulled together a massive fundraising effort on his behalf to pay for his legal fees.  To many activists and advocates for victims of sexual abuse (myself included), this is infuriating and intolerable.

 

Many have asked why the Orthodox community is so awful in the way it handles child sexual abuse.  Dr. David Pelcovitz, an acknowledged expert on abuse in the frum community, says that he speaks about the issue all over the world, and he is frequently embarrassed by secular authorities asking why the Orthodox community is more invested in protecting the perpetrators than the victims.  It doesn’t look good, to say the least, and it is truly painful and embarrassing to the many Orthodox Jews who wish their community would live up to its own standards.  I feel that Pearl’s post, and the encouraging comments that follow it, stop short of providing a solid explanation for this disgrace in our community. So here is my take on why this happens.

 

For far too many members of the Orthodox community, an observant lifestyle is simply what they grew up with.  It is the only thing they know, and it perpetuates itself out of habit rather than out of conviction.  “This is what everyone else does, this is what we’ve always done, and this is what I do.”  It is not terribly common for frum folks (ba’alei teshuvah aside, perhaps) to sit down and examine their beliefs, why they hold them, or whether they make sense – especially in the very insular, traditional communities where such questioning is implicitly and explicitly discouraged.  (Note that I am not saying all members of one group or another are this way; I am lamenting that this approach is found everywhere in the frum world.)

 

Such people are denied the meaningful identity that comes from a true connection to Torah.  Their self-concept derives instead from community norms and the conformity to them which is demanded by their peers.  Adherence to these norms is reinforced by teaching that we are the Chosen People, and that only we (whichever community “we” is) have things right. (The lack of acceptance among different frum groups of other frum groups is not something anyone is hearing here for the first time.)  Anyone outside our community is mistaken, some more, some less.  All nonreligious Jews are apikorsim; all Christians are fools; all atheists are immoral; all scientists are biased.  But not us!  Because we have the Torah!  We are wise and moral and perfectly objective, or so the thinking goes.  (I believe that this is also the source of frum rejections of scientific ideas and dismissals of good deeds done by non-Jews.)

 

For someone who really does “have” Torah, discovering that a Jew with a big beard and a reputation to match has been involved in something so deplorable as sexual abuse is sorrowful but not incomprehensible.  It simply becomes clear that that person doesn’t actually have a real connection to Torah.  But to those whose frumkeit is really just an external adornment, a robotic comportment, the Jew who looks the part but violates children sends the message that the community’s values – the values around which their lives revolve – are worthless or corrupt.  It means that “frum people are wrong.”  But frum people can’t be wrong, because that would mean that I am wrong.  (This is similar to the reaction that we see people having when these matters come to light – “He can’t be doing these things; he’s a fine person, I’ve known him my whole life” – i.e., “I can’t be wrong!”  See this video for an example of people saying exactly this kind of thing.)  For such people, allowing that someone who looks and acts religious could commit such a heinous crime is be to undermine the very basis of their self-concept.  

 

This, I maintain, is why we see people vehemently, even violently reacting against anyone who makes an accusation of sexual abuse in their community, often in very short order.  Ultimately, they are not protecting that person: they are protecting themselves.  They are shielding their very identities, which have been built like castles in the sand on what others do and what others think, but unfortunately not on Torah.  And when it comes to protecting a weak sense of self, people will go to very great lengths, at very great cost.

 

Darkness to Light

I reread my previous post on Darkness to Light's Stewards of Children program and I realized I didn't do justice to the website.  The Stewards of Children program, as I said, may be unexceptional, but the site itself is really quite fantastic.  They have a tremendous amount of information, resources, tools, trainings, etc., and I have no doubt that the world is a safer place because of them.  I just didn't want anyone to think I was casting aspersions on the site as whole.

Sexual Abuse Books for Kids

On Ha'aretz.com yesterday there was an encouraging article on the success of a new Hebrew book designed for the Chareidi (ultra-Orthodox) community which teaches kids how to stay safe from abuse.  The fact that such a book finally exists is a major milestone - though from what the article says, it seems that it's a bit watered down to meet the community's need for modesty.  Nonetheless, it is certainly helpful, and it is a great first step in addressing this issue in the community.  If you are raising your kids in Israel, it is definitely worth your while to get a copy!

A similar book, Let's Stay Safe, was published in America not long ago by Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, who has been trying to address this issue in the Chareidi community for a long time. He has done us all a great favor by putting out this book.  I have a copy which I read to my kids, and I would certainly recommend it. (I get no kickbacks from R' Horwitz for saying that!)

Refa'enu

I just found out about another very useful online resource: a yahoogroup called Refa'enu, a support group for members of the Jewish community and their loved ones who face the challenge of living with a mood disorder. Check it out at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/refaenu.

Online Training: Stewards of Children

In addition to being an online provider, I am also an online consumer.  There is an awful lot of useful information out there on the web!  During some research I was doing on child sexual abuse I discovered a training called "Stewards of Children" on a site called Darkness to Light, a recognized site on the issue.  The training is billed as something for any average person to take (especially parents) to learn how to protect children from being abused.  It contains a lot of great material and good ideas; I don't think there is anything there that can't be found elsewhere on the internet, although it's nice to have it all compiled in one place.  It takes a few hours to complete (you can do it over several days), and it costs $10.  If you want to save the ten-spot you can do your own reading; otherwise, it's certainly a helpful training to view.
(Note: I am not affiliated with Darkness to Light in any way.)

Phone vs. Skype

Often when someone contacts me for a free consultation, they’ll ask if we can “just do it by phone.”  I usually discourage speaking by phone, though ultimately I acquiesce if they insist.  Here’s why.

Distance counseling has a lot of benefits to it, benefits which in many circumstances outweigh the acknowledged drawback of not physically being in the same room together.  (There is a power to two people being a room that is not as palpable when they are communicating but are not in the same room.)  Some of these benefits include convenience, time saving, and privacy (an especially relevant point for those living in small, or even not so small, Jewish communities: of the frum clients I work with in my own town, many of them I also run into frequently in shul or elsewhere).

While having that physical presence is helpful, I believe that visual contact at the least is indispensable.  Any therapist will tell you that what is learned from nonverbal communication is at least as important, often more important, than what is learned from verbal communication.  In fact, it is not uncommon for the understanding of what a client says to be completely altered by what they communicate nonverbally (such as a client who smiles while discussing deeply painful issues).  Such cues would be missed entirely on a phone session.  And in my experience, such cues are legion.

What is missed in a session conducted on the phone is too valuable to settle for the extra convenience of not having to download Skype, or get dressed to sit in front of the computer.  That said, I do agree to do it if a client is not willing to go ahead with video conferencing, simply because I think any help is better than no help.  If a person is not willing to do any more than a phone call from Los Angeles or Baltimore or wherever it may be, I will do my best to help them within the limitations of the medium, and perhaps try to move to a visual setting later on.

If you are considering distance therapy, I urge you to aim for a visual option.  I think you’ll find therapy to be significantly more effective if you do.

Halachos of the Internet

This weekend I came across a booklet on the halachos of the internet (offered for free out of a cardboard box in my shul).  I immediately grabbed a copy, eagerly expecting to discover exactly how many issurim de’oraisa I am violating every time I pop open the internet.  In fact, I was pleasantly surprised by what turned out to be a pretty useful set of topics, such as whether having a webcam on can resolve a yichud problem (yes) or whether you are allowed to use someone else’s wi-fi without asking them (no).  A rather useful booklet for an Orthodox Jewish therapist who is heavily invested in internet usage.  I believe it was written by a learned person in Monsey, NY.  You can actually see the whole thing online (ha!) at www.ihalacha.com.



Welcome

Welcome!

This is the beginning of a new blog that will touch on issues relevant to the Orthodox Jewish community and to the world at large about therapy, counseling, change, growth, and also about the subjects of domestic violence and sexual abuse, subjects I have very strong feelings about.  I hope that here you will find reading that is interesting, thought-provoking, and helpful.  Stay tuned!

~Rabbi Raffi Bilek