Shiur on Shmini Atzeres - Thursday at 5

If you're going to be in my neck of the woods (that would be Passaic) over Shmini Atzeres and Simchas Torah, I'm going to be giving a class on Shmini Atzeres and what it's actually about (since nobody really seems to know!). 5 PM on Shmini Atzeres (Thursday 9/26) at Ahavas Israel. See you there!

Real Teshuva

I saw this just before Yom Kippur. It blew me away. I hope it becomes a trend.

A Marriage Counseling Take on Mistakes

Okay, but what if your significant other is actually really truly wrong? What if they just messed up? THEN what?

Advantages and Disadvantages of Online Counseling and In-person Counseling

Here's an article posted by a great organization called Thriveworks about the relative advantages and disadvantages of online counseling.

http://thriveworks.com/blog/advantages-and-disadvantages-of-online-counseling-and-in-person-counseling/

Did you know that only a limited number of people who are referred by a physician to seek mental health services ever receive those services? Why is this?

Is it because they do not want to get well, or are there other factors? As you might guess, the reasons are many; and among them is the problem that acquiring counseling services is too difficult . . .

Couples Counseling and the Kitchen Sink

A common problem I deal with when doing marriage counseling is what we in the business call "kitchen sinking." It's got little to do with plumbing, but a lot to do with repairing problems.

Why Do Orthodox Communities Still Cover Up Sexual Abuse?

I recently came across this article about Deborah Feldman, the formerly Orthodox woman who wrote a famously unflattering book about her departure from her community.  I know it's old news, but there is a part in here that really supports the point I made in an earlier post, namely that Jewish identity in insular communities is often built on sand.  Here the author (who I am neither condemning nor condoning) remarks on the phenomenon of “irrational anger” that I highlighted in situations of abuse:

I didn't think the book would get this much publicity, but I knew that I would get a lot of hate mail. When people do lash out at me, the funny thing that comes to mind is that five or six years ago, if someone had done what I'm doing now, I would have lashed out too. I would have felt such irrational anger if someone was out there making my life look that sad and pathetic, and making me feel that manipulated and powerless, I would be furious! And I'd do everything I could to justify my own life and why I was staying in it.

A similar idea was expressed by Judy Brown, author of Hush, who also left the Chassidic community, in a recent interview on NBC which is regrettably no longer available on YouTube.  In explaining the reaction and the dilemma of the frum community, she says, "If our way of life doesn't prevent our men from turning into beasts, then what's the point of our way of life?" I submit that it is this very kind of thinking that forces the less intellectually honest to annihilate victims rather than own up.

 

Solving the Problem-Solving Problem

Okay, so you get it.  You don't always have to solve the problem! But don't you sometimes have to solve the problem?  How do you know when to solve and when to stuff it?

 

Some Problems Don't Need Solving

Have you ever been in a conversation where one partner starts complaining, and the other one comes up with a brilliant solution - only to find the solution is received most poorly?  Watch this for some insights into this situation.

Then What IS it about?

Note: this post was originally posted AFTER the one above it in the blog. It makes more sense that way, but somehow got messed up and had to be reposted.

A certain video has been circling around the internet which I think provides a brilliant demonstration of the principle I propounded in my last video, namely, that complaints are not always an invitation to solve a problem.  If you haven't seen this already, I'm sure you'll find it enlightening.

Getting Hurt in a Relationship

A very important note about those little hurts we all experience from time to time.

Friendly Message to Camp Summer Staff

A hard-hitting but vital message.

 

Still Can't Find It

Shortly after I posted my last video on expectations within a relationship, my favorite comic strip, Doghouse Diaries, put out the following strip, which I think is a brilliant exposition of the whole can't-find-it-in-the-refrigerator phenomenon I mentioned there (and in an earlier post here).

The Consequences of Rabbinic Leadership Failing to Deal Properly with Abuse

A thought-provoking post by Rabbi Daniel Eidensohn on his blog concerning reporting of abuse in the Jewish community:

http://daattorah.blogspot.com/2013/06/missing-boat-consequences-of-rabbinic.html

What to Expect When You're Expecting

This is actually not about pregnancy, but I thought it was a catchy title to use.  This is about the expectations we have of our significant others and how it affects our relationships.  Take a look.

Pornography Addiction

This is a serious subject, and one that is coming up increasingly in the Orthodox community.  A dorm counselor I spoke to who is working on this issue once gave me an estimate that 90% of his students are watching porn online - and he is not at any kind of remedial place for off-the-derech kids.  I spoke to Rabbi Dr. Twerski about the problem as well, and he lamented that he has seen frum people of the highest caliber become addicted to porn.  It is a truly worrisome issue. I have been developing a program to bring to Ortodox schools, but so far - unsurprisingly, and unfortunately - I have not found any that are willing to bring it in.

If you or someone you know is struggling with this problem, your first stop should be the Guard Your Eyes website.

Here is an article I read recently that I found poignant and relevant.

Anger Management

Here's a useful suggestion for how to handle those high-intensity moments in a more productive way.

A Different Kind of Online Counseling

More on online counseling - here's a nifty press release about ProvenTherapy.com, where I do REALLY online counseling - i.e. by chat, voice calls, and e-mail. Are these just as good as face-to-face chat (actually being in a room with someone)? I doubt it.  But for people who aren't prepared to go all in, at least it's something to get them the help they need, and perhaps even a stepping stone to something more intensive later on down the line.

Online Counseling - So Far, So Good

Came across this handy little tidbit on Wikipedia:

The growing body of research into online counseling has established the efficacy of online therapy with treatment outcomes at least equal to traditional in-office settings.^[2]

Well.  That's good.

More on Communication

Another handy tip for making relationships work.  Check it out.

Food!

This tip is a winner. One of my favorites.  I know that some people disagree with this perspective, but I think it's pretty useful.  Feel free to comment below whether you're for or against!