Masturbation

I thought this article was excellent. It discusses the issue of talking about masturbation with Orthodox boys, which I think is tragically shied away from for obvious reasons, leaving our youth to struggle with it in silence.  As you are probably aware by now, I am not a fan of the head-in-the-sand approach.

http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/194864/why-rabbis-must-talk-to-orthodox-boys-about-mastur/

Happiness 101

I thought this video had a number of very helpful ideas.  Tal Ben-Shachar is one of the leading figures in Positive Psychology today (and, interestingly enough, he's Israeli).

Back to the Grind

Okay, we are back from our extended break over Pesach and Chol HaMoed. I hope your holidays went reasonably well and that you are refreshed to get back to your regularly scheduled broadcast instead of drained.

The truth is that the holidays tend to be stressful times for many. Jewish social service agencies often report an uptick in calls from people seeking help around this time.  If you need to get some stuff off your chest, or want to do some couples or family work (in-laws, anyone?), be in touch and let me know how I can help you!

Pearls of Wisdom

I was talking with a client tonight about his relationship with his wife. In the past we had come up with the idea for him to begin each evening when he came home from work with a five-minute period of quiet time with his wife, as a means of changing their pattern from the old walk-in-and-start-bickering to something more peaceful. Both he and his wife were most agreeable to this and after implementing it for a few days they decided it was really quite helpful.

 

Tonight he confessed that they really hadn’t kept this up, despite finding it a really beneficial practice.  He said now that things between them are better, it seemed like the practice wasn’t needed.  And this elicited from me the following Pearl of Wisdom:

 

It is much less expensive to maintain a car than it is to repair it.

 

That is to say, it’s hard work implementing new practices to fix a broken relationship.  Very hard work.  It is significantly less work – although not by any means no work – to maintain one.  Spending five minutes a day in quiet togetherness is much easier to pull off when there is no tension between the two parties than when both are upset and irritated with each other. Hence, I recommended that they push themselves to keep up with this practice even though, and in fact because, things have been so good between them.

 

Remember, it is much less expensive to maintain a relationship than it is to repair it.

Jewish Standard article

The Jewish Standard did a nice piece last week on domestic violence and the work of Project S.A.R.A.H.  (Yours truly is mentioned therein, but it would be a good article even without that.)

http://jstandard.com/index.php/content/item/30254/

Think of the Good Things

Look, we all have our imperfections. Our spouses do too. And since it is unlikely that either of you will ever achieve perfection, how can you deal with mistakes and missteps that you can bet will not be going away any time soon?

Digital Decisions

More on the topic of teenagers and technology - here's a nifty video created by thatsnotcool.com, which is a great resource for getting teens to think about their digital behavior.

Kajeet!

I just discovered Kajeet.com and, despite not having any idea what the name is about, I am already a big giant fan. It is a cell phone company designed for parents to use with their children.  THIS IS VERY MUCH NEEDED!  On one hand we've all come to expect that we will be able to reach people we need to talk to most of the time, that there will be a phone on hand in case of emergency, etc. - and who needs to be reachable more than our kids? Knowing where they are and who they're with has always been something parents have needed, and now that cell phones are so accessible to everyone, it seems like using them with our kids can bring us a lot of peace of mind.

At the same time, there are obviously downsides and even dangers to kids having cell phones.  Using them at inappropriate times (such as in school) is a concern; so is running up a huge bill on talking or texting if you don't have an unlimited plan.  Moreover, there is the significant risk of children walking around with internet-ready devices in the palms of their hands, able to access the worst kinds of material without anyone having a clue.

Enter Kajeet.  Their system allows you to determine which services (talk, text, web) your child will have on his phone; which sites are accessible to him on the internet; even who pays for the various services (for older children who are ready to learn about budgeting).  You can decide when the phone can and cannot be used, who is allowed to call the phone, and much more. You can even use the GPS tracking feature to find out where your child is, or to get alerts when he arrives at school, home etc.

I gotta say, I think this is brilliant, and much needed for the safety of our children. (Note: I'm not being paid by Kajeet!)  Philip Rosenthal, a noted expert on the internet and cybercrime, puts it nicely: Parents who consider giving their teenager unrestricted and unsupervised Internet access may as well buy them a gun. They’re likely to do less damage.”

Mental Illness in the Jewish Community

This article came out recently in the New Jersey Jewish Standard, and I think it is absolutely right on the money.  It's called, unabashedly, "I Have Bipolar Disorder." Take a look.
http://jstandard.com/content/item/i_have_bipolar_disorder

One More Day

Another easier-said-than-done tip to help avoid those conflicts that never really needed to happen. To make it easier to do, too - start practicing now.

Online Therapy

In an effort to spread the hype, I am posting links to the various sites where I am listed as a therapist. Pass it on!

• http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/129024
• http://thriveworks.com/find-counselor/listings/raffi-bilek-lsw/
• https://www.proventherapy.com/Raffi-210.html
• http://www.wellness.com/dir/6017040/counselor/nj/paramus/raffi-bilek-block-federbush--associates-lsw

The Gratitude Platitude

This one goes under the "Things We All Know but Don't Do Enough of" category.

Moving On

I thought this song, written by a young man based on his own experience, was a meaningful contribution to the discussion on child sexual abuse.

A Beautiful Mind

And now, for the lighter side of psychotherapy... here's a thought I recently had: there seems to be an awful lot of mental illness in "Beauty and the Beast" (over and above, of course, the whole Maison des Lunes number):

• Belle: Stockholm syndrome
• Beast: Intermittent explosive disorder, possibly Asperger's disorder
• Belle's father: dementia
• Cogsworth: obsessive compulsive personality disorder
• Lumiere: possible sexual addiction
• Gaston: narcissistic personality disorder
• LeFou: dependent personality disorder

Did I miss any?

Whose Turn Is It?

"I took the garbage out yesterday - you do it today."
"I already changed three diapers today, it's your turn!"
"I walked the dog this morning in the freezing cold, you'd better do it tonight."

Do these sound familiar? It's not uncommon in relationships for people to try to equalize the workload by taking turns with the chores - and by keeping tabs on whose turn it is.  Here's my take on this approach:

My New Books!

This post is part parenting discussion and part personal plug.

You may recall an older post of mine which linked to an article I wrote for the OU discussing how to influence one's children towards better behaviors.  In it, I cite the obvious principle that lecturing children (especially young children) is a brilliantly ineffective way to do so.  Children do not respond to lectures. They respond to visual cues, rhymes and rhythms, modeling, and stories.  Thus, when we were facing an issue with my older daughter of her being rather bossy with her friends and her younger sister, rather than try to explain to her why this was problematic, I wrote a little book about it (with the help of Bat-Sheva Kivelevitz, my intrepid illustrator).  I can't tell you that the book was a magical success, but I can tell you that we don't really have this problem anymore. So it seems to have at least been part of the solution.

Likewise, early on my younger daughter was having trouble sharing. So I wrote a book for her at her level to help her understand how and why to share. Again, I don't know how much it contributed, but I can tell you that now she is very proactive about sharing.

It was actually a rather long process to finally make these available to the public once I decided to do so, but now here they are!  Bossy Baila and I Share are available on Amazon.com and CreateSpace.com.  And they make great gifts for all your pre-school friends!  Bossy Baila is great for around the ages of 4-6, and I Share is more for younger children, perhaps 2-4.

Note that although I expect these books will be helpful for children of any background, they are written primarily for the Orthodox community (e.g. the names, illustrations, etc.). Actually, they are written primarily for my daughters. I didn't really intend to formally publish them when I wrote them. But here they are! So now pass it on.

Shabbos with the Bileks

We are going to be scholars in residence of sorts at House of Israel in Ste. Agathe Des Monts, Quebec (about an hour outside of Montreal) this Shabbos.  (I say scholars, plural, because really it's my wife they want to hear. She will be speaking about her life's journey from being born in South Korea to becoming a rebbetzin.) If you're in the area, it's a great place to spend Shabbos!

Feel the Burn: Relationship Counseling Exercise

As you may have noticed by now, many of the tips I've posted here require a bit of effort on your part.  Rarely can you grow as a person without putting some emotional elbow grease into it. In this video, I'll explain how to channel the feelings of emotional strain and striving into something productive.

Pornography Addiction Revisited

A friend of mine and I were discussing my post on pornography addiction in the Orthodox community and weighing in on the prevalence of the problem in different communities - religious, non-religious, Jewish, Christian, etc.  He said something that I thought was most thought-provoking, and I am sharing it here for the good of the masses.  Would love to hear others' responses to this:

The non-religious are addicted to porn because it is easier to satisfy your desires without a connection to people. The religious are addicted to porn because it is impossible to satisfy your desires by connecting to people.

Indeed.

The Royal "We"

Using "we" when you mean "you" is one great way to leave your partner feeling vaguely resentful and keep negative feelings brewing under the service. In this video I'll explain this a little more: