How To Be Married to a Man

I know this is a very important topic to many of you (most especially the women), so I recommend you pick up the latest edition of Binah magazine, in which I just had an article published on this very topic.  Unfortunately, they do not permit reprints for 6 months, so if you can't get your hands on a copy, you'll just have to wait until August when I can post it here.  (Meanwhile, stay tuned for yet more relationship tips coming your way!)

Marriage Counseling in the Torah

Here's a timely article that I liked about the parshas discussing the construction of the Beis HaMikdash.  It's got a number of interesting points, including its analogy to marriage and marital counseling.

http://www.aish.com/jl/b/chumash/Chumash-Themes-14-The-Tabernacle.html

Connecting Is Respecting - to be continued...

This week, in collaboration with my colleagues at Project S.A.R.A.H., we completed the first portion of the pilot run the sexual abuse prevention program I created for Jewish middle schools, called Connecting Is Respecting.  It was quite successful by all accounts, and we learned a lot from this initial presentation which will help us make some important improvements in the program and in the evaluation process.  So far we have presented to the 5th grade boys; plans to continue with the girls' section, followed by 6th and 7th grades, are underway.  Stay tuned!

The Cycle of Violence

R’ Yakov Horowitz posted a poignant cartoon a few days ago expressing the theory of abuse that “hurt people hurt people.” (See the cartoon and accompanying article here.)  In response, I shared with him a related image that I feel is very powerful.  It sparked some responses, so I felt it was a good time to post it here.  There are actually three related images, all of which originated at http://www.savethechildren.mx/ (though I am not clear in what context). They do a phenomenal job of illustrating the cycle of abuse - be it physical, verbal, or sexual. (Click on the image to see the full-size picture in great detail.)

 

 

You and "I"

This may be review for some, but it's a great basic communication tool.  Don't leave home without it.

It's also an important starting point for be able to handle tough conversations in a relationship, so give it a shot.

Individuals & Maritals

Recently the OU posted an article that suggests that individual therapy can be harmful to relationships. I strongly disagreed with the article and, after submitting a comment on it to that effect, was asked to write a longer response (along with some other mental health professionals).  See the original article here and the followups here.



This whole issue is reminiscent of an article I wrote and posted a few months back.

The Problem with Putdowns

I'm the kind of guy who likes to be witty, especially in a group of friends. Me and my guy friends trade zingers all the time and we all take it as a sign of love.  With some of my buddies, it is a key part of the friendship.  But...

Change

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/12/16/oliver-burkeman-on-failed-new-year-s-resolutions.html

I liked this article. It highlights the fact that change does not result from a simple decision to change, but rather requires a more protracted schedule of working on it.

Sharing the Experience

Do you like cookies?  Here's a video for you.

Relationship Tips Video Series

Dear Readers,

 

I am pleased to announce the launch of my new YouTube channel, on which I will be posting a video series of my favorite relationship tips.  These are going to be ideas, approaches, and practical tools that you can use to improve your marriage, and really just about any other interpersonal relationship as well.  I hope you’ll find them helpful, and I encourage you to post comments or questions on what I’ll be saying.  Also, feel free to post questions you’d like to see addressed in future videos.

 

Here’s #1 in the series.  Bracha v’hatzlacha!

 

Rabbi Raffi Bilek

 

 

 

 

How Depression Sees It

Just ran across this article called "How Depression Sees It: The Woman Who Gave Birth in a Tree" which offers an authentic description of what it's like to have depression.  Those of us who do not suffer from this illness have a hard time understanding what it's like, which is why articles like this are useful to sensitize us to the anguish of those who do, to help us get it.

Another good resource for this is the acclaimed book Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness, by William Styron, in which he takes us through his own experience of severe clinical depression.  Both of these make for fascinating reading, and will broaden your mind to gain some insight into what the suffering is really like for people with depression.

Miscommunication en Masse

The gun control debate that is coming back out of hibernation as a result of last week’s tragedy is an interesting case in point from the perspective of a couples therapist. So much of the trouble I encounter in the therapy room is due to partners addressing the issue on their own mind instead of the issue on the other’s mind.  John is angry about Marsha’s spending habits; Marsha feels unloved; and neither one is speaking to the problem that the other sees.

So too in the argument over gun control.  The loudest piece of the debate goes like this: proponents cry for safety and protection for our youth.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  Proponents insist something needs to be done before more children are killed.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  It is but two ships passing in the night.  People who are desperate to save children’s lives don’t much care for the supposed freedom to carry big, scary assault weapons.  People who cling to the right to bear arms don’t seem to have much to say about children’s safety.  And so the debate hobbles on, neither side addressing the concerns of the other.

Of course, there are those who oppose gun control because they believe some of the laws being pushed will actually lead to more violence.  There are those who support some gun laws without suggesting that trying to outlaw guns in general is a good idea.  But those voices, unfortunately, are the quiet ones.  Instead of meaningful dialogue between sincere people who want to make the world a better place, we have large-scale shouting matches between extremists on both sides.

If John could speak to Marsha’s fears and Marsha could address John’s financial concerns, they would likely see a lot of progress.  That’s often an important part of the work I do with couples.  Now if only I could get the pro- and anti-gun control groups in a room together…

 

Men Can’t Find Anything in the Refrigerator

It’s true.

Well, at least for a lot of men.  It’s just a generalization, I know.  But I’m going to use it anyway to make a point.  The point is this: it is wise for a person to anticipate certain irritating habits in his or her spouse.  If you are a woman, you may find it maddening that your husband can’t find the ketchup when it’s right in front of him.  You may even have suspected him of doing it on purpose sometimes.  The fact of the matter is that this really is a common issue with men. It behooves you to expect it, so that it won’t bug you as much when it happens, and to recognize that you’re not the only one who has to deal with it.  Ask some of your girlfriends and see.  This mindset will go a long way towards making his handicap less irritating.

 

For men, I might suggest the same approach as regards timeliness – many women are less punctual than their husbands (and yes, I know, it’s certainly not all of them).  It is helpful for men to anticipate this and see it as part of the wifely package.

 

This is not to say that these matters can’t be worked on and improved (my ketchup-locating skills have definitely developed since I got married); just that they ought to be expected for one’s peace of mind and peace of house.

 

 

Miss America By Day

I recently finished reading Miss America by Day, by Marilyn Van Derbur.  This is by far the best book I have read as far as understanding what a victim of sexual abuse actually goes through, what the trauma is like.  There is also lots of useful information, tips, advice, and other great material, but the best aspect of the book is the way she makes the trauma real to all of us.  I recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the issue of child sexual abuse better.

Parenting & Expectations

An article I just wrote for the Jewish Press (in the quarterly mental health insert) is available online here.  It discusses how our expectations affect our parenting and how we can help ourselves out of the box that such expectations can create.

Rabbi Noach Orlowek, shlit”a, defines anger as “the distance between expectation and reality.” I think this definition neatly explains much of the parental anger that we moms and dads struggle with as we try to raise superstar children. So much of our anger is the result of our having expectations of our children that are not met. This does not mean that we shouldn’t have expectations of them – only that we should be careful to temper those expectations with a clear picture of reality . . .

Online Counseling with Humans

“With online counseling, your clients do not have the ability to learn about you from the frames on your walls, your office décor, your car in the parking lot, the pictures of your family on your desk, etc. Therefore, it is all the more important to humanize yourself by telling the client some information about who you are and what you are about.”

 

This is from an article from Thriveworks on building rapport (connection with a client) in online counseling venues.  On the whole I thought the article was so-so, but it did have some points like the above that made me think.  This goes back to a post I wrote a while ago about using the phone vs. Skype, and how there are innumerable nonverbal messages that a client communicates that the therapist cannot afford to miss.  I guess that’s true the other way around as well, as pointed out in this quote – in person, you would learn a lot more about me than you can via Skype (such as, for example, what shoes I’m wearing, or whether I’m even wearing shoes!).

To this end, I encourage you to read what I wrote in the About Me section, and feel free to ask if you have any further questions about who I am or what I do.  That's not to say that I will start telling you the story of my life, but if you have a question, don’t hesitate to ask!

 

 

 

 

Couples Counseling

An interesting point I have recently been reminded of emphatically while working with couples: the points of dispute brought into the room are almost never where the juicy stuff lies.  (With the couple I am thinking of right now, those points of dispute were particularly angry ones, too!) The truth is that it’s really all about the dynamic in the room.  Whatever problems they’ve been having thus far are still ongoing, or they wouldn’t be in therapy.  So I can watch those problems play out without having to refer to old incidents to make the point.

What’s more, throwing past incidents at each other – known in the business as “kitchen sinking” – rarely does more good than harm.  It just invites more hurt, defensiveness, and aggression.  (This is something useful for all of us to keep in mind when we get into arguments with our spouse – or with anyone – launching repeated accusations over past events will only hinder the process rather than helping it.

Bashert?

The concept of bashert has done many people a lot of harm in their quest for a long-term relationship. I thought this posting brought some solid sources from modern times that indicate that this concept is not to be relied on practically to find love.  Trying to find The One Who Is Meant for You is a much more difficult endeavor than trying to find Someone with Whom You Can Build a Meaningful, Holy Life.  More on this in a future post.

Who Won the Election?

This past Tuesday the standard greeting in the Northeast switched from, “Do you have power?” to, “Did you vote yet?”  There was an expectation among most community members that people would be voting, whether or not our lights were back on . . .

See the full article at OU.org.

Destigmatizing Therapy (continued)

A friend of mine in Houston, Texas contacted me in relation to the article I published on destigmatizing therapy.  She is working with a frum family whose daughter is suffering some kind of attention disorder.  In order to proceed with therapy, she had to contact the girl's high school, but the family was reluctant to allow her to do so, since they did not want the school to learn about their child’s disorder and treatment.  It is not clear whether they were doing so out of embarrassment and shame over their daughter's condition, or out of fear of potential consequences from the school administration, which itself may have prejudices and biases regarding mental illness.

 

This seems to echo the dilemma I brought up in the article, namely, on one hand a therapist is bound to protect client confidentiality; on the other hand, the therapist does not want to reinforce the idea that there is anything to be ashamed about.

 

Not an easy problem to solve.