More on Communication

Another handy tip for making relationships work.  Check it out.

Food!

This tip is a winner. One of my favorites.  I know that some people disagree with this perspective, but I think it's pretty useful.  Feel free to comment below whether you're for or against!

To This Day

I found this poem/video very moving. It speaks volumes about the lasting effects that our relationships with others can have.

http://tothisdayproject.com/

cvzxv

Fixing Your Relationships

You know those times when your significant other does something particularly irritating?  And you point it out, and you are clearly right, and yet it comes back in your face?  And then it becomes a big argument?  And you get nowhere?  Yeah.  So here's a tip: don't do that.

Here's another:

Pesach: Free to Change

A little inspirational note before Passover:

My semi-corny tagline on this website is “Things can be different.”  I chose it because I think it’s a nearly universal feeling among human beings that we wish something or other in our lives weren’t quite the way it is.  Part of the avodah of life is getting to a healthier place where we recognize that we really don’t need it to be any other way.  “Who is happy? He who is happy with his lot.”

But another part of our job here is to see where we are able to, and therefore expected to, change things for the better.  I think the Serenity Prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous has a lot of chochmah to it:

G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Part of my role is to help people figure out that difference in whatever circumstances they find themselves, then develop the serenity and the courage to handle those circumstances appropriately and to achieve the change they are capable of.

Pesach is a time of change and renewal.  There is a special spiritual energy in the world during this time that allows us to jump up spiritual levels beyond what the natural process could do for us – to pass over those intermediate stages.  If we reach for it, G-d will give us that special boost, that special vision of what things can really be like.  Of course, then comes the Omer, the time where we have to put in the work to make that vision real.  But first we can get it as a gift, a free pass.

Because things can be different.

 

 

Protecting Our Children from Sexual Abuse

 

Another article of mine published in the Jewish Press - available online here.  This one is about the highly important topic of how to teach our children to keep safe from sexual abuse.  Get some of the basics in this article, and of course, contact me for further information or to schedule a training for groups of parents, camp counselors, educators, etc.

You and "I" and Then Some

No doubt you are now an expert at "I" statements, based on my last video.  Now take it to the next level with this corollary from your local Orthodox couples counselor (me).

How To Be Married to a Man

I know this is a very important topic to many of you (most especially the women), so I recommend you pick up the latest edition of Binah magazine, in which I just had an article published on this very topic.  Unfortunately, they do not permit reprints for 6 months, so if you can't get your hands on a copy, you'll just have to wait until August when I can post it here.  (Meanwhile, stay tuned for yet more relationship tips coming your way!)

Marriage Counseling in the Torah

Here's a timely article that I liked about the parshas discussing the construction of the Beis HaMikdash.  It's got a number of interesting points, including its analogy to marriage and marital counseling.

http://www.aish.com/jl/b/chumash/Chumash-Themes-14-The-Tabernacle.html

Connecting Is Respecting - to be continued...

This week, in collaboration with my colleagues at Project S.A.R.A.H., we completed the first portion of the pilot run the sexual abuse prevention program I created for Jewish middle schools, called Connecting Is Respecting.  It was quite successful by all accounts, and we learned a lot from this initial presentation which will help us make some important improvements in the program and in the evaluation process.  So far we have presented to the 5th grade boys; plans to continue with the girls' section, followed by 6th and 7th grades, are underway.  Stay tuned!

The Cycle of Violence

R’ Yakov Horowitz posted a poignant cartoon a few days ago expressing the theory of abuse that “hurt people hurt people.” (See the cartoon and accompanying article here.)  In response, I shared with him a related image that I feel is very powerful.  It sparked some responses, so I felt it was a good time to post it here.  There are actually three related images, all of which originated at http://www.savethechildren.mx/ (though I am not clear in what context). They do a phenomenal job of illustrating the cycle of abuse - be it physical, verbal, or sexual. (Click on the image to see the full-size picture in great detail.)

 

 

You and "I"

This may be review for some, but it's a great basic communication tool.  Don't leave home without it.

It's also an important starting point for be able to handle tough conversations in a relationship, so give it a shot.

Individuals & Maritals

Recently the OU posted an article that suggests that individual therapy can be harmful to relationships. I strongly disagreed with the article and, after submitting a comment on it to that effect, was asked to write a longer response (along with some other mental health professionals).  See the original article here and the followups here.



This whole issue is reminiscent of an article I wrote and posted a few months back.

The Problem with Putdowns

I'm the kind of guy who likes to be witty, especially in a group of friends. Me and my guy friends trade zingers all the time and we all take it as a sign of love.  With some of my buddies, it is a key part of the friendship.  But...

Change

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/12/16/oliver-burkeman-on-failed-new-year-s-resolutions.html

I liked this article. It highlights the fact that change does not result from a simple decision to change, but rather requires a more protracted schedule of working on it.

Sharing the Experience

Do you like cookies?  Here's a video for you.

Relationship Tips Video Series

Dear Readers,

 

I am pleased to announce the launch of my new YouTube channel, on which I will be posting a video series of my favorite relationship tips.  These are going to be ideas, approaches, and practical tools that you can use to improve your marriage, and really just about any other interpersonal relationship as well.  I hope you’ll find them helpful, and I encourage you to post comments or questions on what I’ll be saying.  Also, feel free to post questions you’d like to see addressed in future videos.

 

Here’s #1 in the series.  Bracha v’hatzlacha!

 

Rabbi Raffi Bilek

 

 

 

 

How Depression Sees It

Just ran across this article called "How Depression Sees It: The Woman Who Gave Birth in a Tree" which offers an authentic description of what it's like to have depression.  Those of us who do not suffer from this illness have a hard time understanding what it's like, which is why articles like this are useful to sensitize us to the anguish of those who do, to help us get it.

Another good resource for this is the acclaimed book Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness, by William Styron, in which he takes us through his own experience of severe clinical depression.  Both of these make for fascinating reading, and will broaden your mind to gain some insight into what the suffering is really like for people with depression.

Miscommunication en Masse

The gun control debate that is coming back out of hibernation as a result of last week’s tragedy is an interesting case in point from the perspective of a couples therapist. So much of the trouble I encounter in the therapy room is due to partners addressing the issue on their own mind instead of the issue on the other’s mind.  John is angry about Marsha’s spending habits; Marsha feels unloved; and neither one is speaking to the problem that the other sees.

So too in the argument over gun control.  The loudest piece of the debate goes like this: proponents cry for safety and protection for our youth.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  Proponents insist something needs to be done before more children are killed.  Opponents point to the second amendment.  It is but two ships passing in the night.  People who are desperate to save children’s lives don’t much care for the supposed freedom to carry big, scary assault weapons.  People who cling to the right to bear arms don’t seem to have much to say about children’s safety.  And so the debate hobbles on, neither side addressing the concerns of the other.

Of course, there are those who oppose gun control because they believe some of the laws being pushed will actually lead to more violence.  There are those who support some gun laws without suggesting that trying to outlaw guns in general is a good idea.  But those voices, unfortunately, are the quiet ones.  Instead of meaningful dialogue between sincere people who want to make the world a better place, we have large-scale shouting matches between extremists on both sides.

If John could speak to Marsha’s fears and Marsha could address John’s financial concerns, they would likely see a lot of progress.  That’s often an important part of the work I do with couples.  Now if only I could get the pro- and anti-gun control groups in a room together…

 

Men Can’t Find Anything in the Refrigerator

It’s true.

Well, at least for a lot of men.  It’s just a generalization, I know.  But I’m going to use it anyway to make a point.  The point is this: it is wise for a person to anticipate certain irritating habits in his or her spouse.  If you are a woman, you may find it maddening that your husband can’t find the ketchup when it’s right in front of him.  You may even have suspected him of doing it on purpose sometimes.  The fact of the matter is that this really is a common issue with men. It behooves you to expect it, so that it won’t bug you as much when it happens, and to recognize that you’re not the only one who has to deal with it.  Ask some of your girlfriends and see.  This mindset will go a long way towards making his handicap less irritating.

 

For men, I might suggest the same approach as regards timeliness – many women are less punctual than their husbands (and yes, I know, it’s certainly not all of them).  It is helpful for men to anticipate this and see it as part of the wifely package.

 

This is not to say that these matters can’t be worked on and improved (my ketchup-locating skills have definitely developed since I got married); just that they ought to be expected for one’s peace of mind and peace of house.