Do You Need Couples Counseling?

Are you in need of couples counseling?  How would you even know whether you are or not?  Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether you are a candidate for marriage counseling:

• Is your marriage/relationship more often negative than positive?
• Do you feel indifferent towards your spouse/significant other, or sense that s/he feels indifferent to you?
• Are you looking for something different from your relationship but can’t even define what?
• Do you find yourself dreading being with your spouse/significant other on a regular basis?
• Has your spouse/significant other cheated on you?
• Do you frequently wonder whether your marriage/relationship is going to make it?

While this is by no means an exhaustive list, a “yes” answer to any of these questions is a good indication that it might be time to seek the help of a couples counselor.  Marital therapy can do a lot for a couple, whether the relationship is really on the brink or is just has a few rough spots that need smoothing out.  The intervention of a trained and objective professional can make a big difference.

Your couples counselor can help you get down to the root of what the problem in your relationship really is.  Often a couple will come into the therapy room with complaints about issues that are really don’t get at the heart of the trouble – like how to squeeze the toothpaste, or what one person or the other said last night.  In truth the issue likely runs much deeper, and a marriage therapist can help discover what that is.

Another important way the relationship counselor can help is to teach a couple to communicate about a problem more effectively.  Frequently when there are important values at stake people can get very emotional.  When couples come to counseling and there is already a lot of anger, hurt, and resentment, it is hard for them to speak productively, i.e., without hurling insults and accusations. A competent couples therapist will see to it that a conversation can happen in which the couple can move beyond this level and actually get to discuss and resolve the issues at hand.

Finally, a marriage counselor can offer guidance on how to go forward in the relationship. While it is not the counselor’s place to suggest to a couple that they should or should not break up, the counselor can propose ideas of what kind of things would help a couple make that decision for themselves, and what kind of behaviors might make the result they decide on more or less likely.

Of course, couple counseling is an intense process that cannot be boiled down to a few bulletpoints; nonetheless, this brief outline will hopefully help you think more clearly about whether it’s time for you to seek relationship counseling and what you might get out of it.

If you are thinking about couples counseling or marital therapy, please contact me to find out how I can help you.

New Book: "It's Not Fair"

The latest in my children's book series is now available, dealing with the favorite childhood refrain, "it's not fair!"  No doubt this will be a valuable addition to everyone's home library and parenting toolbox!

It's Not Fair

How to Argue with Your Spouse Without Solving Anything

An article I wrote about spousal disagreements has been posted on wellness.com:

Arguments among dating and married couples have gotten a bad name. Sure, they cause anger, frustration, tears, breakups, and divorces, but apart from that, who doesn’t enjoy a good yell at their partner from time to time?

https://www.wellness.com/blog/13270621/how-to-argue-with-your-spouse-without-solving-anything/raffi-bilek

Can I Make a Suggestion?

This is an important question to ask... if you're planning on listening to the answer.

How to Be Married to a Woman

The sequel to my highly popular "How to Be Married to a Man:"

How to Be Married to a Woman

My article, “How to Be Married to a Man,” recently published in the Where What When, earned me a lot of head nods and a couple of high-fives from male readers. It also led some women to indicate that perhaps I could offer some comparable tips to the other gender. (That would be the male gender. I am spelling that out for the men, who, of course, need things made explicit for them, because they don’t do things like “infer” from what you said.) In recognition of the great need, I present you with this article about how to be married to a woman. And this time, I can claim a lot more credibility, since I (a man) am married to a woman.

I will break down the essence into a triplet that I did not invent but that has been used widely by many other folks and is pretty darn helpful: It’s all about the three A’s: affection, attention, appreciation.

Affection: Men are classically bad at this function. There is a story told in many forms – here is one of them – about a man whose miserable wife schlepped him to a marriage counselor to try to get him to be more expressive about his feelings for her. She felt unloved and unwanted. For his part, the man couldn’t understand what the problem was: “I made a promise to my wife on our wedding day, and I intend to keep it,” he explained to the therapist. “Oh?” inquired the wisely taciturn counselor. His male client elaborated: “Yes indeed. I told her that very day that I loved her, and I promised her that if anything changed she’d be the first to know.”

Ha ha, right, gentlemen? It is unfortunately not so funny, insofar as many of us practice this approach to some degree. For most men, hearing “I love you” on a daily basis is not nearly as emotionally nourishing as, say, a hot steak dinner (see previous article). For many women, however, the “I love you” beats the steak hands-down any day. Men, wise up. You need to tell your wife that you love her (and mean it). Regularly. Yes, I know you’re not comfortable expressing your feelings like that. Well, guess what? I’m not so comfortable taking out the stinky garbage, but I do it anyway. Regularly.

Let’s be clear here: it’s not that your wife forgets that you love her. It’s just that she likes to hear it, over and over. She likes frequent refills. Here’s an example: Smart husbands bring their wives flowers for Shabbos, Yom Tov, and other occasions. Now, to you and me, it just doesn’t make sense. The flowers will absolutely, definitely be dead well before your next oil change is due. Wouldn’t it be so much more sensible to give her a nice potted plant that would last longer? Go ahead, try that; next Friday, bring a home a hefty Boston Fern and see how that goes over. Unless your wife is particularly horticultural, I’m guessing it will score you exactly zero points. Why? Because women do not go for one giant dose of affection, off of which they are supposed to survive for an extended period, like some kind of love camel. Women want small tokens of love over a long time. Hence flowers are the right choice because they are ephemeral. She sees that you are thinking of her and expending money on her – even just a few dollars – on a weekly basis. And hence, too, the “I love you” statements have to keep coming. But because women, despite my grandiose generalizations, are in fact individuals, you need to discover exactly what brand of affection-on-a-regular-basis your wife is seeking, whether it’s verbal affirmations, flowers, hugs, or what have you. (Bonus tip: why don’t you ask her?)

Just as you cannot buy a large gift and hope that it will cover you for the next year or decade, you can’t spend a day with your wife and then ignore her for the rest of the week. Your wife wants your attention. This means putting your focus exclusively on her on a regular basis (there’s that word “regular” again) to whatever extent is realistic for the schedule on which your life operates. For some people, that might come down to just a few minutes a day – but as with the flowers, it is the fact that it keeps coming back that shows that it’s real. Otherwise it can feel like you’re buying her off with a lump sum rather than taking the trouble to keep recurrent transactions going. Conversely, small deposits of time over many occasions indicate that you actually want to spend that time with her. (Note that the Rambam states that it’s better to give a dollar a day than $365 once a year. It is a different quality of giving.)

Indeed, attention takes place even when you’re not actually with her. Remembering to buy flowers when you’re out is not only a nice sign of love and affection, it also shows her that you think of her from time to time – that she “takes up space in your hard drive,” in the words of a respected rav. So does bringing her back her favorite pastry from the bakery you passed by or even picking up her preferred brand of contact solution because you knew she was running low. These things all demonstrate that she is important to you and that you are thinking of her.
Attention also means listening to her chat about her day rather than checking your email/the news/the score on your iPhone during dinner or in the car or while you are cleaning up together. (Hey, now there’s a good idea.) Hopefully, most of the time, what she has to share is not dire or urgent, but you still have to listen. More than that, you have to attend. Registering sound waves on your eardrums while actually attending to the smartphone does not count, because your attention is on the smartphone and not the wife. It does not convey to the wife that she is important to you, even if you did hear what she was saying and can repeat it back to her in some exaggerated attempt to prove you were listening. When you listen to her about the small things as well as the big things, you show her that what is going on inside her is important to you – that she is important to you. That’s what she wants and needs from you.

Appreciation: We men are frequently the main providers in our households. We go out to work eight-plus hours a day, sometimes slogging through a grueling commute, and coming home in the evening to our wives who perhaps do not work, or work less than us, or work at less intense jobs than we do. Consequently, we often come to the extremely boneheaded conclusion that we are working harder than they are. Let’s be clear about this: if you have children, your wife is probably working much harder than you are, even if she is a stay-at-home-mom. And if she is even minimally employed on top of that, it’s a pretty sure bet.

Some of our male readers are right now nodding their heads in agreement. Those would be the men who have had to manage the household for any period of time while their wife has been away or ill, and who have experienced what it is like to try to get the kids in the bath while cleaning up from dinner and packing up the lunch boxes, and the baby is crying and probably needs a diaper change except that you can’t remember where the diapers are, and once you find them you end up putting it on backwards anyway, and nobody will brush their teeth because you didn’t put the toothpaste on the right way. And so on.

Needless to say, I have a tremendous amount of respect for my wife.

What is needed, however, is that I say it. That is, I tell my wife – once again, regularly and frequently – how much I appreciate what she does. The truth is that it’s remarkably easy, because I know what my life would be like if she didn’t do what she does. If she did not cook me dinner, odds are I would be eating a whole lot of toast and tuna fish. So I appreciate when she cooks me dinner. I appreciate it, out loud, every single time, because that’s one more night I’m not eating toast for dinner. (Sometimes if she doesn’t cook, I might be eating leftovers, but of course that also means that she made me food the night before.) I appreciate when she puts the kids to bed, because if she didn’t, I would be going bonkers trying to pull it off with half as much patience as she does. If you think about it for not very long, I am sure you can come up with a similar, extensive list of deeds your wife does for you. You are not entitled to these favors. Nowhere did she sign a contract stating that she will cook your meals or do your laundry. We must be super grateful for all the things our wives do for us all the time that we often hardly notice; we must say so to them, and we must mean it. It means an awful lot to your wife when you sincerely thank her for dinner, even – especially – when it wasn’t a five-course holiday meal. Try it and see.

Dear readers: although this article is (intentionally) humorous, it is also filled with very real and helpful advice. My advice is, take my advice. As with my previous article, this is by no means a complete list of what it takes to make your wife happy. (Thought you could get away with three things, eh?) But these principles are a good foundation: Start with these, but don’t stop with them.

Getting Your Kids to Eat Their Dinner

Here is another column from the BJH in which I answer the classic question: How do I get my kids to eat their dinner???


Dear BJH,

My kids are really great overall, but the one area that never seems to work out is dinnertime.  They simply don’t want to eat!  It always seems to be a fight getting some food into them.  How can I get them to eat their dinner properly?

Thanks,

GS



Dinnertime is a common flashpoint between parents and kids.  You are not alone!  Let’s take a look at some conceptual points that will help us develop a healthy approach to dinnertime, and then we’ll touch on some practical tips to grease the wheels.

The cardinal rule of handling your children’s eating habits is not to make it a power struggle.  If you really really want your kids to eat, and they know it and feel it, they are likely to take the opportunity to assert their independence, as children are wont to do – especially if they are already feeling too controlled or micromanaged at home.  This is normal behavior for a child, not a behavior problem!  The more you try to compel your child to eat, the more resistance you are liable to face.  (This is evident in the classic “Try it – how do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it?” debate.  Have you ever seen a kid finally give in and then say, “Hey, you know what Dad, you’re right!  This is really tasty!”  No, you have not.)

The solution is to not care if they eat. Really.  If you are genuinely concerned about their nutritional levels, take them to the doctor and get a blood test.  If the doctor says your child is healthy, then there is no problem with their food intake.  If they aren’t hungry for dinner, then they aren’t hungry.  (Do you often eat a meal when you aren’t hungry?  Probably not.)  However: you can and should nonetheless establish rules so that they do not drive you crazy later on in the evening.  That means that dinner should be available for a defined period, not whenever they feel like eating.  If they discover that they are in fact hungry just before bedtime, let them have a piece of bread or matzah – something really plain that will sate their hunger.

What happens when you give up your need for them to eat is one of two things: either they stop feeling the need to resist and start eating, or they continue not to eat because they really aren’t hungry.  Fortunately, nature works in your favor on this one, and eventually, they will be hungry enough to eat (trust me on this one). If you keep junk food out of the house as much as possible (or at least inaccessible), and model healthy eating yourself, then when the cravings strike your children will start eating nutritional foods, which keeps you, them, and the doctor happy.

Finally, some practical points to bear in mind to help ease the situation for fussy eaters and such: first of all, make sure your kids like the food you serve.  This may be obvious, but we sometimes forget that kids in general like simple, whereas we older folks enjoy more complex flavors. Complex doesn’t do it for kids.  They want plain noodles, or maybe noodles with cheese.  A bowl of cottage cheese could be great, with a cucumber stick on the side.  If you are making delicious casseroles for you and your spouse, you may need to be making backup foods for the kids as well.  And yes, they may want to eat the same thing every single day.  Don’t force them not to!  It seems unpalatable to us, but as long as the doc says the kids are healthy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.  Their bodies will provide cravings for the right balance – carbs, proteins, etc. – over time (provided that their systems are not awash in sugar).

Lastly, make it fun.  A young child who refused to east his or her veggies moments ago might do a complete 180 once s/he sees the little man with funny hair that you created out of carrots and cukes. Some children like to pretend they are eating fantastic items (magic beans, anyone?) or that they themselves are animals of some kind while they eat. Older children may enjoy being a part of the preparation process.  Creativity is key.



This is not an exhaustive list of ways to better manage dinnertime, but I hope it will spark some ideas for you.  Most importantly, keep in mind the pitfall of the power struggle.  When you let go of your need for the children to behave in a certain way – and this is true in many areas – you may find that they will step up to the responsibility quite on their own.

A Dog Named Depression

This short video offers a fantastic perspective on what it's like to be depressed.  If you think you might have depression, check this out, and recognize that you are not alone.  You can reach out for help, and things can get better.

If you are not suffering from depression, this video will give you a better idea of what it's like to go through it.  This can be especially helpful for friends and family of people with depression

New Article in the Baltimore Jewish Home

One of the kinds of issues I am frequently called upon to help with involves relationships among parents/in-laws/grandparents.  Here is a column I wrote recently in the Baltimore Jewish Home addressing such an issue.  This doesn't necessarily sound like a candidate for family therapy, but it could certainly help.  These situations can be thorny, no doubt about it.

 

Love after Adultery

It is commonly thought that adultery is a certain death blow to a marriage.  After all, what could possibly do more injury to a relationship than an affair?  It strikes us as the worst thing someone could do.  Heck, it even made it into the Ten Commandments!  I once heard a counselor say to me, “I can generally save any marriage, as long as it doesn’t involve adultery.”  So it’s certainly a widespread perception, even among professionals.

The truth is, however, that adultery doesn’t have to mean the end of a marriage.  This is not at all to minimize the severity of the offense; rather, it reflects the genuine Jewish perspective that there is nothing for which a person cannot do teshuva.  As I have pointed out in a previous post, it’s really not the act itself, whatever that was, that is the problem. The problem is that the partner who has been cheated on feels terribly betrayed.  There is pain, anger, loss of trust, jealousy.  But the intensity of these emotions does not have a strong correlation with the seriousness of the act – that is to say, partners of people who have cheated are liable to have severe reactions whether the offense was a full-blown sexual affair or whether it was “just” cybersex (again, see this post).  Some spouses have much more mitigated responses, even in the face of extended, involved extramarital relationships.

This is because, as have I claimed, the offense is not in the act itself but in the emotional import of the act.  The reaction to a broken trust is very dependent on how much trust there was in the first place!  It also depends on many factors within the person and the relationship, such as the spouse’s emotional volatility, past experiences, optimism/pessimism, and more.

That said, all is not lost when a relationship is shattered by the discovery of an affair.  If the violation of trust is the core issue, then trust can also be rebuilt.  This, of course, is not a guarantee.  First and foremost, it depends on the willingness of the betrayed spouse.  Some spouses may be willing to think about repairing the relationship (after a period of grief and anger, most likely).  Others may simply decide to walk away from it (especially if it is a last-straw kind of violation).  Nobody can make that decision except for him/her.  This is an important point to remember for those who have committed the infidelity and who hope or expect that their spouse will “just get over it.”

Repair also depends on the spouse who cheated, primarily in whether he or she will take responsibility for his/her actions.  Those who minimize the offense, blame their spouse, or throw out an apology and expect forgiveness are not in fact in a place to receive it.

It is not an easy path, but it is also not an impossible one.  If you are struggling with a crisis of infidelity in your relationship, I encourage you to reach out to me – I can help you through it, whether or not reconciling is in the cards.

Supporting Others

I thought this article about supporting the people in your life was excellently presented.

http://www.aish.com/sp/so/99754929.html

Positive parenting won't make up for yelling, insulting

I thought this was a powerful article about effect we as parents have on our children.  Check it out:

Young adults who had been criticized, insulted or threatened by a parent growing up were more likely to be anxious or depressed, in a new study.

Even when the same or another parent expressed plenty of affection, researchers found the apparent harmful effects of having a verbally aggressive mother or father persisted   . . .

http://news.yahoo.com/positive-parenting-wont-yelling-insulting-212707632.html

It's Not You, It's Me

This is not about breaking up, it's about making up (sort of). A novel way to interpret a classically overused line.

Does Sexting Count as Cheating?

Many people aren’t sure how to answer this question.  When a married man is sending inappropriate text messages to another woman (or vice versa), does that “count” as an affair?

The answer is really a subjective one.  When a man cheats on his wife, or a woman on her husband, the problem is not so much the act that took place as it is the breach of trust – one of the parties broke the implicit promise made when they established a committed relationship.  Most people understand that a person can be cheating even if there was no sex involved.  If a married man takes a woman out on a romantic date, buys her dinner, and kisses her goodnight, is that cheating?  I think most people would say yes.

But since the core of the issue is the breaking of the agreement (spoken or unspoken) between husband and wife, the question of infidelity depends on what the couple understood that agreement to be.  (Note: this is a good reminder of how important it is to communicate so that both people have the same understanding of what it is they’ve agreed upon!)  Some couples have an open marriage in which outside partners are allowed – hard to call that cheating since both partners have openly okayed it.  On the other hand, I once worked with a client who had an agreement with her boyfriend that they could be involved with others outside the relationship, but only with people of the same gender – i.e., she could date women, but not other men.  Had she gotten into a relationship with another man, that then would have been considered cheating

So what about sexting?  The answer depends on whether the sexter’s significant other considers it a violation of the relationship to exchange sexual messages or dirty pictures to someone else.  I think most people would see it as such, and in the absence of an explicit agreement otherwise, I think the sensible conclusion is that it is indeed an act of infidelity.  Would you be comfortable with your partner doing such things without your knowledge?  Probably not.

When someone suggests that sexting is not the same as adultery because there was no physical contact, or they were not actually with the person, or some other explanation, they are trying to rationalize the problematic behavior.  Cheating hurts because it sends a message to the partner that the cheater can’t be trusted; that the partner is somehow not good enough; that the other man/woman is better/more attractive/more exciting than the partner; and many more hurtful messages as well.  These messages come across loud and clear whether the adulterous act happens in a motel room or on a smartphone.

Kids hear EVERYTHING

Recently, I was sitting at dinner with my wife and kids and discussing the mundane issues of daily life.  At one point my wife mentioned to me something about putting the kids in camp for an extra few days. My six-year-old daughter piped up and cheerfully asked, “Because you don’t want to deal with the kids, right?”

I felt a little bit like dirt.

That is really not how I want my kids to think we look at them.  We so easily overlook how perceptive our kids are from the youngest ages, and how they pick up everything we say, whether we think they are listening or not.  No doubt we have used the phrase “dealing with the kids” numerous times before – look, there’s no question, they can be tough to manage.  They take a ton of energy – not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well.  They suck up time like a miniature screaming snot-nosed black hole.  But we should not be talking about our kids, or even thinking about them, as something we have to “deal with.”  We love them.  We admire them.  We cherish them.  We educate them.  But we do not “deal with” them.  We pour our energies into them with a deep sense of greater purpose as we trying our hardest to build competent, capable, balanced human beings.  It is a privilege and a responsibility.  It is not a chore or a punishment.

You will note here that I am speaking primarily to myself.

But let’s all try to remember it despite the tribulations of childrearing.  And let’s also remember that whatever attitude we choose, our kids will know it.  How do you want your kids to feel growing up? Like a chore?  Or like a precious diamond?  You have a sizeable influence on which way it’s going to go.

New website!

The Baltimore Therapy Center is now open for business!  Check out our website at www.baltimoretherapycenter.com - and tell your friends!  We specialize in relationship issues of all kinds, including marital and premarital counseling, dealing with parents, problems with children, and adoption issues.

Not Your Average Advice Column Response

This provides a little levity in the family therapy field (check out Amy's response). At the same time, it's a bit sad. (This is just the kind of case I help with, if you find yourself in a similar situation...)

Dear Amy: Every fall, my sister, cousins and a cousin’s sister-in-law have a weekend shopping excursion in our home city. We stay in a hotel, treat ourselves, shop for our children and go out for lunches and dinners. It is a great time to reconnect.

I have a sister “Wendy,” who we do not invite. She is offended to the point of tears when she finds we have not invited her...

http://amydickinson.com/post/85115023030/sisterly-exclusion-makes-one-sis-a-horrible-person

New book available!

My third children's book is now available on Amazon.com!  Aptly titled "Sisters," it's meant to address some of the challenges (and benefits!) of having an older or younger sister. Sibling rivalry is a fact of life, but I think bringing it out into the open and discussing frankly with children what is hard and what is fun about sibling relationships is a good way to help ease the tensions.

Check it out here!

Four Ways to Fight with Your Spouse

Here's an article I found worth reading, about how to manage fights in your relationship without letting them destroy it.

4 Ways to Fight with Your Spouse without Destroying your Marriage

I Follow My Own Marriage Advice - part II

How did I do it?  How did I get mad at my wife (see previous post) and get an apology in return instead of a retaliation?  Let’s take a look at why people often offer resistance rather than a deserved “sorry.”

When we apologize for something, we are admitting that we are wrong. We made a mistake.  It is a blow to our ego.  Nobody likes to feel dumb, stupid, inferior, etc.  Of course, intellectually we all know that making a mistake doesn’t make us bad or stupid – everyone makes mistakes!  But emotionally we are not always living with that reality.  Making a mistake can feel really crummy. And when someone else is witness to our mistake, we are embarrassed.

So we try to puff ourselves up, put on a strong appearance, lest we look and feel weak.  Hence, if you want to avoid a defensive reaction, you have to make your partner feel strong in general so that s/he will not feel weak when s/he makes mistakes.  (You will note here that the answer to my opening question turns out not to be a “technique” or a clever turn of phrase – it is an answer that encompasses the whole relationship. Shoulda seen that coming, right?)  So how do you make your partner feel strong?  S/he must know and feel that you respect him/her.  This means that you have to tell him/her that – through compliments, praise, and encouragement.  (These are subjects for a post in their own right.)  You must respect and convey respect to your partner.  Because my wife knows I respect her, she does not feel lowly when she makes a mistake.  And she knows that I will love and respect her regardless of this mistake.   

Respecting your partner also means accepting that s/he will, of course, mess up from time to time. That means that once a problem is resolved, you let it go, because s/he is just another human being who makes mistakes.  My wife knows that I am not going bring this episode up over and over again in the future (except to blog about it to a public audience of friends and strangers); therefore she did not feel she had to neutralize a potential weapon in my hands by proving that she was in fact not wrong.  If you are going to refer back to this mistake over and over in the future (“Oh yeah, well what about that time you did XYZ!” “Sorry, I’m not doing [blank] for you, not after you did XYZ…”), you can bet that your significant other is going to try to wiggle out of accepting responsibility for the error, lest s/he have to face these kind of consequences.

And now we come to some of the more situation-specific pointers, comments about how you say it when the issue comes up.  Number one, you can’t be wildly emotional or out of control when you tell your partner about the issue.  If you do, that can be scary, thus eliciting a retreat; it can be perceived as an attack, thus provoking a counter-attack; and it can also simply engender a parallel response from him/her (in accordance with the function of mirror neurons, which, in brief, make it that people are likely to reflect back to someone the emotion they are being shown - as Shlomo HaMelech says, kamayim hapanim lapanim, ken lev ha'adam la'adam).

Number two, do not insult or put your partner down.  Again, you are asking for a protected response if you do, and that is not your goal.  (If your goal is to hurt your spouse’s feelings, then go right ahead. But then it is probably the case that you are juvenile, or else sadistic.)

Number three, you must address the behavior, not the person.  “I am disappointed that you forgot [blank],” not “You’re an idiot.”  In my case, I said to my wife about what had happened, “this was poor judgment,” not “you have poor judgment.”  See the difference?

There’s a lot more to say on this, and I’m sure we’ll come back to the topic in the future.  But here we have laid out some of the underlying ideas that help a couple to weather each other’s mistakes and even to get angry about them, as well as some of the specifics of effectively expressing that anger.

I Follow My Own Marriage Advice

One of the points I often make when talking about marriage is the critical importance of not talking about something that made you madright after it happens.  You cannot possibly accomplish anything productive at that moment and you can only make things worse. So let me tell you a story.

A few days ago, my wife did something that absolutely infuriated me.  I was totally incensed.  I couldn’t believe she had had the poor judgment to do what she did.  When the actual incident occurred, she wasn’t there – she had set things in motion from elsewhere – so right after it happened I started thinking of all the angry, nasty things I wanted to say and/or do.  And I didn’t move.  I allowed myself to spend some time fuming and stewing, but I firmly told myself I would not actually say anything until the next day.

Many ideas came into my mind. Sharp, angry rants, clever passive-aggressive maneuvers, or plain old blowing my top.  But I didn’t move. I didn’t open my mouth. I told myself I could better deal with it the next day.

I waited all day the next day without whispering a word about it.  Eventually, that evening, we had a calm moment in the car where we could speak. In a very calm voice, I told her what had happened that upset me and that I was very angry with her for causing it. I expressed shock at her lack of judgment.

She acknowledged her mistake.  She accepted my anger.  She apologized. And then we were done.  I no longer needed to get back at her, or yell, or blow off steam.  It was okay.  She got it.

So I do practice what I preach.  And I continue to preach it, because it works.  This incident could have caused a huge ruckus, a lot of anguish, a distancing in the relationship – but instead, it passed over uneventfully. As a matter of fact, it even brought us closer, because it provided yet another demonstration that we can share our anger with each other, that we can make mistakes, and that whatever the problem, we have a way to address and resolve it.

And you can learn to do it too. Step one: don’t talk about something that made you mad right after it happens!

 

Postscript: I wonder if many readers are thinking, “Well, that’s all well and good, but the problem is that my spouse would never just apologize. S/he always has to argue/be defensive/get mad/etc.”  In the next post I hope to write a little bit about how to make your relationship a place where that doesn’t have to happen, and where both parties can feel safe both expressing anger and offering an apology.